Astaldofânwen: Skyrim's Best Matchmaker and Agent of Love

I'm really not the kind of person who gets extra sappy around Valentine's Day because I eat chocolate all the time anyway.  But THIS YEAR that guy I date was galavanting in his motherland during V-Day and I was feeling sappy.  So what did I do?!?!?!?!

WHY, I made my character visit the Temple of Mara in Riften, of course.  I met up with Dinya my homegirl at the temple, and she was all "Would you like to be an agent of Mara and spread her love around Skyrim?" to which I replied "EFF YA IT'S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!" 

My first task:  Set up two young lovers in Ivarsted.  I fly over to Ivarsted, a white winged cherub with a heart tipped arrow, and meet Fastred.  Fastred is nicely harvesting the plants in her family's garden and there's a look of sadness in her eye.  you know, the look one might get when told they're not allowed to love the one you love.  Talk about Romeo and Juliet!  Farsted has fallen in love with Bassianus (who I'm not really into to be honest) but her father HATES HIM.  She's all "you NEED to talk to my father for me" and I'm like urgh fine...I'll do it....

Bassianus, just chillin, y'know how it is

Since I obviously am such an authority on the matter, I would rather have her rekindle her love with Klimmek, whom I did a favor for before learning "The Way of The Voice" up in High Hrothgar (even though he is a bit older than Fastred, but love knows no age limits (except in real life, where she's probably really only 16)).  UNFORTUNATELY, I looked around for Klimmek everywhere to switch that shit up, but couldn't find him and got annoyed so BASSIANUS IT IS.  I have so much power, you know? (I think it's my "honeyed words").

Basically, I'm good at matchmaking and I got Bassianus and Fastred together and they happily flee to Riften (so basically they rushed away to thief central which is cool because I need to increase my pickpocketing skills).

My next task on the way to becoming an "agent of Mara" is to get OldMagicGuy Calcemo together with the Housecarl of Markarth's Jarl (yarl, carl, rarl......I have no idea what I'm saying), Faleen.  She's pretty rad, I've spoken with her before, and Calcemo, well, he's old fashioned but not a smooth talker like me.  Calcemo urges me to find out what Faleen likes (sweet rolls? missionary?  S&M?) so clearly I talk to her best friend, Yngvar.  Poor Calcemo, Yngvar isn't a bad looking dude (if you're into that sorta thing) so I'm really surprised by his willingness to help out!   He says, as cold as Faleen looks on the outside, she actually REALLY loves POETRY!!!  This girl has got some taste.  Not only does he give me this little bit of information but he also provides a poem he wrote for some girl that he can change to be for Faleen (but not without a price, argh). But read it isn't it CUTE?!?!?!

A missive: from Calcelmo to Faleen

My lover's heart is numbing stone

That hides in ice beneath our sight.

So some decry, "It is not there,"

While others whisper, "Yet, it might."

Though stone is born from fevered ash,

Once formed it yields no whiff of heat.

So too, her heart betrays no love,

Nor comforts those embracing it.

As mountains grow and yearn for sky,

Then climbers, conquering, ascend.

With chisel, rope, with axe and pick,

They force the rock to yield to them.

One peak stands proud amidst the range,

Invincible, and scaled by none.

Those men who try wash down her slopes;

Their eye-born streams obliquely run.

For brash assault could never pierce

Those guarded depths that lay apart.

But patient water gently shapes

A furtive channel to the heart.

My love is delving water, ice

That cracks with cycles of the sun.

A lapping, yearning, whispered plea

Will mark the time 'til I rush in.

For I have dwelt among the rocks,

My city carved from rugged stone.

So in that burrow I will creep,

And warm the soul which makes my home.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!  Let's just say, that worked like a charm!

So now that I've made Fastred make up her mind and turned Calcemo into Shakespeare it's time I bring a couple together who have been drifting apart......pretty literally.  See this couple were around AGES ago, and died unfortunately while looking for each other.  Condemned to never knowing what happened as spirit form, it's my job to bring them together.

You see, I didn't really want to kill anyone during this quest, but I begrudgingly had to walk past a DRAGON circling a Mammoth and that was just annoying because you basically have no choice but to kill the thing in the meantime.  No rest for the Dragonborn, so it goes.

BUT WHATEVER, I got the man with the fiery beard and his little bonnet woman together and they lived (in death) happily ever after!  They even floated up in the sky like two cute hollographic ghosty guys.  Good for them.  I'm a champion.

AWESOME, now I'm an "Agent of Mara" which means I have +15 Magic Resistance.....WERD UP.

Moral of the Story:  It pays to be a lover, man.

Companionship and Chaurus

Jorrvaskr, house of the Companions

As history has told me (and, I realize, because I am the kind of player that wants to talk to EVERY SINGLE PERSON which is also why I have a million quests (but also because that's the way the game is made (and also I'm using SO MANY PARENTHESES))), Whiterun was built around Jorrvaskar, the big house of the Companions.

Basically everyone who talks about this group in the game speaks highly of their ability to fight, and most of all, they work as a group WITHOUT A LEADER (how they do that effectively I'm not quite sure but it's a neat idea).  Why not join them right?  yeah, I thought so too.  They seem pretty neutral in this whole "civil war" stuff that's going on right now.  But life's questions will catch up with me soon (like do I make BEEF STEW or VENISON????).

Now in order to really become a companion I have to clear Shimmermist Cave of its leader which was one of the first "real" side quests I had to do and please note that I was half way into being at level 3 and I was like I AM BAD ASS, LEVEL 3 BITCHES!  and I was WRONG my friends....so so so wrong.  First you get into the cave and there are glowing mushrooms and weird eggs for these things called Chaurus and you're like weird I don't see any I guess they haven't hatched yet.  The cave is a little daunting - right?

So you keep walking and then all of a sudden there are these CREEPY THINGS called Falmers.  Do you remember that movie The Descent where those people go into this unexplored cave and find out there are these weird creatures that will eat EVERYONE and that can see in the dark?  Like this:

Well Falmers basically look like THAT but with armor and bows and arrows and shields that they will ATTACK YOU WITH.  But it's fine because I get past them fine, it's no big deal, it takes a couple swings of my BattleAxe but they die, it's all good.

BUT THEN I fall into this CHAURUS pit and those things are like big cockroaches mixed with scorpions that spit out this black stuff that does SOMETHING to you and they are tough because their shell is like armor and I KEPT DYING because I had no idea how to kill them effectively and so you know what I did?

I RAN BACK OUT THE WAY I CAME.  You heard me.  I'm a scaredy cat (errr...elf).  So then I did what any good person would do, I looked online to see what I was doing wrong and the internet advised me that I probably should go in there when I'm a higher level and that would probably be better because that shit is hard.

I'll be back, Falmers, I'll be back.  Those Chaurus won't know what hit them.

LOOK AT THIS THING! IT"S A FUCKING CHAURUS