Astaldofânwen: Skyrim's Best Matchmaker and Agent of Love

I'm really not the kind of person who gets extra sappy around Valentine's Day because I eat chocolate all the time anyway.  But THIS YEAR that guy I date was galavanting in his motherland during V-Day and I was feeling sappy.  So what did I do?!?!?!?!

WHY, I made my character visit the Temple of Mara in Riften, of course.  I met up with Dinya my homegirl at the temple, and she was all "Would you like to be an agent of Mara and spread her love around Skyrim?" to which I replied "EFF YA IT'S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!" 

My first task:  Set up two young lovers in Ivarsted.  I fly over to Ivarsted, a white winged cherub with a heart tipped arrow, and meet Fastred.  Fastred is nicely harvesting the plants in her family's garden and there's a look of sadness in her eye.  you know, the look one might get when told they're not allowed to love the one you love.  Talk about Romeo and Juliet!  Farsted has fallen in love with Bassianus (who I'm not really into to be honest) but her father HATES HIM.  She's all "you NEED to talk to my father for me" and I'm like urgh fine...I'll do it....

Bassianus, just chillin, y'know how it is

Since I obviously am such an authority on the matter, I would rather have her rekindle her love with Klimmek, whom I did a favor for before learning "The Way of The Voice" up in High Hrothgar (even though he is a bit older than Fastred, but love knows no age limits (except in real life, where she's probably really only 16)).  UNFORTUNATELY, I looked around for Klimmek everywhere to switch that shit up, but couldn't find him and got annoyed so BASSIANUS IT IS.  I have so much power, you know? (I think it's my "honeyed words").

Basically, I'm good at matchmaking and I got Bassianus and Fastred together and they happily flee to Riften (so basically they rushed away to thief central which is cool because I need to increase my pickpocketing skills).

My next task on the way to becoming an "agent of Mara" is to get OldMagicGuy Calcemo together with the Housecarl of Markarth's Jarl (yarl, carl, rarl......I have no idea what I'm saying), Faleen.  She's pretty rad, I've spoken with her before, and Calcemo, well, he's old fashioned but not a smooth talker like me.  Calcemo urges me to find out what Faleen likes (sweet rolls? missionary?  S&M?) so clearly I talk to her best friend, Yngvar.  Poor Calcemo, Yngvar isn't a bad looking dude (if you're into that sorta thing) so I'm really surprised by his willingness to help out!   He says, as cold as Faleen looks on the outside, she actually REALLY loves POETRY!!!  This girl has got some taste.  Not only does he give me this little bit of information but he also provides a poem he wrote for some girl that he can change to be for Faleen (but not without a price, argh). But read it isn't it CUTE?!?!?!

A missive: from Calcelmo to Faleen

My lover's heart is numbing stone

That hides in ice beneath our sight.

So some decry, "It is not there,"

While others whisper, "Yet, it might."

Though stone is born from fevered ash,

Once formed it yields no whiff of heat.

So too, her heart betrays no love,

Nor comforts those embracing it.

As mountains grow and yearn for sky,

Then climbers, conquering, ascend.

With chisel, rope, with axe and pick,

They force the rock to yield to them.

One peak stands proud amidst the range,

Invincible, and scaled by none.

Those men who try wash down her slopes;

Their eye-born streams obliquely run.

For brash assault could never pierce

Those guarded depths that lay apart.

But patient water gently shapes

A furtive channel to the heart.

My love is delving water, ice

That cracks with cycles of the sun.

A lapping, yearning, whispered plea

Will mark the time 'til I rush in.

For I have dwelt among the rocks,

My city carved from rugged stone.

So in that burrow I will creep,

And warm the soul which makes my home.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!  Let's just say, that worked like a charm!

So now that I've made Fastred make up her mind and turned Calcemo into Shakespeare it's time I bring a couple together who have been drifting apart......pretty literally.  See this couple were around AGES ago, and died unfortunately while looking for each other.  Condemned to never knowing what happened as spirit form, it's my job to bring them together.

You see, I didn't really want to kill anyone during this quest, but I begrudgingly had to walk past a DRAGON circling a Mammoth and that was just annoying because you basically have no choice but to kill the thing in the meantime.  No rest for the Dragonborn, so it goes.

BUT WHATEVER, I got the man with the fiery beard and his little bonnet woman together and they lived (in death) happily ever after!  They even floated up in the sky like two cute hollographic ghosty guys.  Good for them.  I'm a champion.

AWESOME, now I'm an "Agent of Mara" which means I have +15 Magic Resistance.....WERD UP.

Moral of the Story:  It pays to be a lover, man.

Astaldofânwen gets called to High Hrothgar

I really hope I'm not spoiling any of this game for anyone (other than maybe that boy I date who is traveling in India who will eventually play this when he gets back and will also, I'm sure, make completely different decisions about who his character is, thus will play a very different game), but this game is getting EXCITING and I just want to TALK/WRITE about it!

These dudes are THIEVES (and merchants...and could have
been me if I so chose to be a kitty cat)

After speaking with the Jarl about WhateverItWas and bringing the dragonstone back to the magician who was speaking with some friend when I got back in, one of the Warriors came to tell us that there was a DRAGON sighting close to Whiterun and that we need to go KILL IT like right meow (<-- that would be a funnier joke if I was a Khajiit because Khajiit's look like this ^)




Of course I'm like "A DRAGON!?!?!???  I will slay it from the sky and make the earth tremble as it falls stealthily bring it to it's doom with an iron arrow" in an Elven accent that you can totally hear in the game (......not).

I get to the tower and the dragon is HUGE and people are shooting at it and I am hiding behind rocks and shooting it out of the sky like I promised and then it falls LIKE I SAID IT WOULD and dies and then all of a sudden it starts BURNING UP and then THIS HAPPENS!!!!!

 I am literally ABSORBING A DRAGON SOUL, and it is BRIGHT AND SHINY

and I am standing around being like WHAT THE?!?! and people are looking at me with these eyes like what is happening to you?!?! and then all the glowing stops and the chick is like "I never thought I'd see one of you in my lifetime, you must be........A DRAGONBORN"  and then I'm all like:

FOR REAL (also that is very fitting because I am also reading the "A Song of Ice and Fire" Series of Game of Thrones fame).  Of course I have no idea what ANY of this means and I'm meant to go back to the Jarl to tell him what happened and as I'm about to go into his fortress there is this loud THUNDERING and EVERYONE is looking up and I have no idea what's happening until they tell me these dudes with Grey Beards are calling me to their little place on a hilltop somewhere.

I'm supposed to visit these guys to get some ANSWERS because I absorbed some freaky dragon shit and let's be honest here: that could be really awesome, or I could be infected with some scaly poison that will eventually turn ME into a dragon which would be THE AWESOMEST (fingers crossed).

I had to climb 7000 steps to reach these old guys and I asked someone if there was anything I should watch out for while I'm on my way up because it's sort of treacherous and he was nice and said oh no, you shouldn't have to worry at all mostly ice wolves and that's about all.  So I was like awesome, relatively easy climb then, right?

Abominable Snowman

THAT should have been my first clue to BE PREPARED on my climb but I'm suuuuuuper trusting so I COMMENCE and there are wolves and I take their pelts because it comes in handy and I turn a corner and there is AN ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN that looked like this guy<----- 

Picture courtesy of
my friend Mike VanKuipers

Except he really looked more like this guy over here ---->

he also didn't look as happy.  But I killed him with the flames I found in my hands and then hit him with my battleaxe and he died.  PHEW!

So then the Greybeards told me I was the first Dragonborn in (insert some long period of time here) and that I will learn the intricacies of THE SHOUT.  Apparently people need lifelong training to master that stuff but I think these dudes forget that I'm a GIRL and I'm pretty adept at shouting.  But also this Dragonborn thing means I absorb some power from dragons when I kill then and that helps my ability to shout too...I guess.

Awesome.  So now I'm special. DRAGONS BEWARE OF MY STEALTHY BOW.