On News and Thieving

I got SO BAD at this and I apologize.  Not to sound conceited or anything (although, my family used to tell me "of all the conceit in our family, I think Jessica got most of it" - thanks for boosting it guys), but I re-read my blog sometimes and I think I'm HILARIOUS.  Mostly because I have context and during the sometimes 5 hour stints of me playing Skyrim I am in a constant state of inner laughter.  Regardless of all that, it's among one of the main reasons I actually play this shit.

This is something I wrote MONTHS ago.....and I thought it was still fairly true today and fitting for this post:

WOWZA.  I have been playing this game for TWO MONTHS and I'm not even CLOSE to finishing.  I think I mentioned this before but I think I average about 10 hours of playing a week, so let's approximate and say that I've spent 72 hours Climbing in people's windows and snatching their people up (don't forget to hide your kids and hide your wife....and your husband...because I'm pickpocketing ERRY-ONE out there).  That is THREE WHOLE DAYS of my life spent helping the citizens of Skyrim and basically saving their asses left right and center.
Without me, who would have taken Meridia's Beacon from the clutches of the evil Falmer in Shimmermist Cave?  Who would have Spread the Love of Mara around Skyrim? 

Me, waiting in line for the Keynote at PAX Prime West in Seattle

And may I add that my playing time has amounted to at least 5 days now?  and I haven't even played for two whole months because I've been in other countries where video games like STARCRAFT and LEAGUE OF LEGENDS are a big deal (neither of which I understand the fascination of in the slightest).


A lot has happened since the days of old as I become more than the girlfriend who plays one video game (which happens to be THE video game), and closer to the girl who starts to play Dungeons and Dragons with a regular D&D group and plays multiple video games and goes to video gaming conventions.  WUT!  Apparently it's been in me all along and I'm not ashamed.

Regardless of my newly attained video game prowess, I want to talk to you a little bit about my favorite questline in Skyrim.  Do you want to guess before I tell it to you?!?!?!  huh? Do ya? No?  Well you're no fun.

It's the Thieves Guild Questline.  You guys it is SO MUCH FUN, and intriguing, and ghostly, and, in my opinion, the best thought-out.  The last time I talked about my adventures in thiefdom was in this post of yore where I disclosed that Maven Blackbriar was the largest (and really only) client and that SOME SNEAKY MOM (or just person.....we had yet to find out) was slowly trying to shut her down and close her out of business.  For instance, the Goldenglow Estate where Maven got all her honey from for her Meadery was going to no longer supply it to her! WHAT THE EFF, so I warned the owner by burning down some bee hives and sneaking into the estate to find an interesting letter with a curious symbol on it.  Very curious indeed.

Maven asks to speak to me DIRECTLY, which, you guys, is SCARY because she's an intense lady who has waaaayyyy too much power over the peeps of Riften, and she wants to talk to ME.  Like I said, I'm a popular gal who gets invited to parties and the such and whatnot.  I talk to Maven like a civilized adult and she tells me that her competition up at the Hunningbrew Meadery outside of Whiterun somehow got a shitload of money and is in direct competition with Blackbriar Meadery.  Apparently she doesn't take to competition too well (as we've realized with the event I like to call "The Burning of the Bees") and she wants me to do something about it.

As if I have a choice, I agree to helping her out for a pretty sum and head to Whiterun to execute the plan.  Right now Hunningbrew has a skeever infestation (which I will agree is a thousand times worse than something like a cockroach or silverfish infestation).  I'm to find the nest and apply the poison said nest.  In doing so, I also have access to the brewing pots for the Mead and will put some gross shit in them to make the Mead taste disgusting and dirty so that when it gets tested by some eager investors they will drink the yuck and condemn the Hunningbrew dude and his mead therefore turning them towards the Blackbriar Meadery instead.  It's a pretty brilliant plan if you ask me, and, as you can imagine, worked like a charm, aside from the weird wizardy dude named Hamelyn that I met in the cave by the skeever nest who was batshit crazy forging a skeever army because he was upset about some people "wronging" him.  Give me a break.  I had to pull out some magic there and literally fire his ass so I could get to the nest and kill the skeevers.  What a pain in my backside.  I also stole a promissory note that contained the SAME symbol as that of the one found in Goldenglow Estate......curiouser and curiouser.

Regardless of all this, one common link is this dude name Gulum-Ei who often helps with thieves guild-y type things so I follow him to where he is actually sometimes stealing goods from the guild which by the way is an ass hole move, and I confront him about what all this is about.  He reveals to me that the person behind all this hullabaloo is a lady named KARLIAH.  At this point, the name means absolutely nothing to me, it's like, that moment where I *should* have some sort of jaw-dropping awe-ish reaction, but because I have no idea who the fuck he's talking about I'm like aiight and peace the scene.

Heading back to the thieves guild, I find out Karliah was a previous member of the guild, very close to both Mercer and the old guildmaster Gallus.  She also was the person who purportedly KILLED Gallus and now is planning on doing the same to Mercer Frey.  In other words, this sneaky lady is trying to shut down the thieves guild for good with her skeeving ways  and we're all not too happy about that.

So what are we going to do now? track her down? feed her to the wolves? cast a spell?  My questions were more like: what on earth does this chick have to gain from killing all these people?  Why would she resurface now after all this time?  Why am I the one who keeps getting chosen for all these high profile thieves guild quests when there are other people who are pretty high up in the seniority bit that might like some fame?

Want the answers?  CHECK BACK NEXT TIME BECAUSE THIS BLOG POST IS TOO FUCKING LONG.  I love you, but seriously all this typing is giving me a hand cramp.  UNTIL NEXT TIME, don't let anyone steal your sweet rolls.

Astaldofânwen: Skyrim's Best Matchmaker and Agent of Love

I'm really not the kind of person who gets extra sappy around Valentine's Day because I eat chocolate all the time anyway.  But THIS YEAR that guy I date was galavanting in his motherland during V-Day and I was feeling sappy.  So what did I do?!?!?!?!

WHY, I made my character visit the Temple of Mara in Riften, of course.  I met up with Dinya my homegirl at the temple, and she was all "Would you like to be an agent of Mara and spread her love around Skyrim?" to which I replied "EFF YA IT'S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!" 

My first task:  Set up two young lovers in Ivarsted.  I fly over to Ivarsted, a white winged cherub with a heart tipped arrow, and meet Fastred.  Fastred is nicely harvesting the plants in her family's garden and there's a look of sadness in her eye.  you know, the look one might get when told they're not allowed to love the one you love.  Talk about Romeo and Juliet!  Farsted has fallen in love with Bassianus (who I'm not really into to be honest) but her father HATES HIM.  She's all "you NEED to talk to my father for me" and I'm like urgh fine...I'll do it....

Bassianus, just chillin, y'know how it is

Since I obviously am such an authority on the matter, I would rather have her rekindle her love with Klimmek, whom I did a favor for before learning "The Way of The Voice" up in High Hrothgar (even though he is a bit older than Fastred, but love knows no age limits (except in real life, where she's probably really only 16)).  UNFORTUNATELY, I looked around for Klimmek everywhere to switch that shit up, but couldn't find him and got annoyed so BASSIANUS IT IS.  I have so much power, you know? (I think it's my "honeyed words").

Basically, I'm good at matchmaking and I got Bassianus and Fastred together and they happily flee to Riften (so basically they rushed away to thief central which is cool because I need to increase my pickpocketing skills).

My next task on the way to becoming an "agent of Mara" is to get OldMagicGuy Calcemo together with the Housecarl of Markarth's Jarl (yarl, carl, rarl......I have no idea what I'm saying), Faleen.  She's pretty rad, I've spoken with her before, and Calcemo, well, he's old fashioned but not a smooth talker like me.  Calcemo urges me to find out what Faleen likes (sweet rolls? missionary?  S&M?) so clearly I talk to her best friend, Yngvar.  Poor Calcemo, Yngvar isn't a bad looking dude (if you're into that sorta thing) so I'm really surprised by his willingness to help out!   He says, as cold as Faleen looks on the outside, she actually REALLY loves POETRY!!!  This girl has got some taste.  Not only does he give me this little bit of information but he also provides a poem he wrote for some girl that he can change to be for Faleen (but not without a price, argh). But read it isn't it CUTE?!?!?!

A missive: from Calcelmo to Faleen

My lover's heart is numbing stone

That hides in ice beneath our sight.

So some decry, "It is not there,"

While others whisper, "Yet, it might."

Though stone is born from fevered ash,

Once formed it yields no whiff of heat.

So too, her heart betrays no love,

Nor comforts those embracing it.

As mountains grow and yearn for sky,

Then climbers, conquering, ascend.

With chisel, rope, with axe and pick,

They force the rock to yield to them.

One peak stands proud amidst the range,

Invincible, and scaled by none.

Those men who try wash down her slopes;

Their eye-born streams obliquely run.

For brash assault could never pierce

Those guarded depths that lay apart.

But patient water gently shapes

A furtive channel to the heart.

My love is delving water, ice

That cracks with cycles of the sun.

A lapping, yearning, whispered plea

Will mark the time 'til I rush in.

For I have dwelt among the rocks,

My city carved from rugged stone.

So in that burrow I will creep,

And warm the soul which makes my home.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!  Let's just say, that worked like a charm!

So now that I've made Fastred make up her mind and turned Calcemo into Shakespeare it's time I bring a couple together who have been drifting apart......pretty literally.  See this couple were around AGES ago, and died unfortunately while looking for each other.  Condemned to never knowing what happened as spirit form, it's my job to bring them together.

You see, I didn't really want to kill anyone during this quest, but I begrudgingly had to walk past a DRAGON circling a Mammoth and that was just annoying because you basically have no choice but to kill the thing in the meantime.  No rest for the Dragonborn, so it goes.

BUT WHATEVER, I got the man with the fiery beard and his little bonnet woman together and they lived (in death) happily ever after!  They even floated up in the sky like two cute hollographic ghosty guys.  Good for them.  I'm a champion.

AWESOME, now I'm an "Agent of Mara" which means I have +15 Magic Resistance.....WERD UP.

Moral of the Story:  It pays to be a lover, man.

Skyrim's Thieves Guild - My Kinda People

It's no surprise that my last post about the Erotica I found in Haelga's room (and in newer news, on the shelf in one of the breweries too) is the most read post on my blog.  Who doesn't like sexy times?  I was visiting my Aunt and Uncle over the weekend and he was telling me how nerdy I am for posting about sex in my blog while he's got his headphones on and is swearing at some 16 year olds while he's playing WoW.  As he taught my 3 year old cousin to say - "Cool Story Bro."

I have definitely been logging more playing hours than WRITING hours...which is probably not good for business BUT THIS GAME IS SO EXCITING!!!!

Interestingly, the second most viewed post is the one where I talk about FOOD.  So I will do that again and then tell you how I proceeded to burn some bee hives.

FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS BEAUTY OF A BREAKFAST

That, my friends, is roasted bell pepper (of the red variety) with an EGG in the middle of it.  Complete with some Kicking Horse Coffee (Kick Ass) and a little salt, pepper, and chilli powder.  GENIUS.

That prepared me for a THIEVES GUILD quest.  This quest line is becoming one of my favorites (aside from the COMPANIONS one and I found out something EXCITING there but I don't want to ruin it because it was just so cool!).  Have I even told you about the thieves guild?!?!?!  They are a group of dudes and dudettes who are into pickpocketing and stealing and cunning and run Riften under the noses of the Jarl.  What a group!  I love 'em.  I first had to show that I'm worth their time by telling a bunch of punks to pay up.  I had to throw a statue around and break some urn and basically just be badass and finally Brynjolf was all like "great work, the thieves guild is BACK IN ACTION"

But what do you mean BACK in action?  As it turns out the thieves guild's biggest client is Maven Blackbriar, the lady in charge of the Blackbriar Meadery and things are happening that are slowly shutting her down.  We don't know what exactly...but one thing is for sure:  The dude who owns Goldenglow Estate has SOLD his property which means they are NOT going to be supplying the necessary shit for making the MEAD (and the mead is SO important...obvs).  My mission, which I totally chose to take, was to intimidate the guy and burn THREE bee hives to say "HEY BITCH WE'RE SERIOUS" and then steal some things from the estate.

THE BEE HIVES!  I had to swim and get to the little island and BEAT UP SOME DUDES with arrows.  Like I said in previous posts, I think I'm AWESOME and I was able to stealthily kill a lot of the guys protecting the place and with the flames from my hand I was able to SET THAT SHIT ON FIIIIIIIIIIRRRE!!!!!!!  Like THIS ---->

WOOOP WOOOP.  I got the deed from the house and there was this WEIRD symbol on it....so I don't know.  There is definitely some one plotting the demise of the Thieves Gild.  Which is sad because I am really liking being a part of their little gang.  They're some kind of alright.  They're like a family so I'm going to continue to help them out.  I'm a sucker for the badasses, y'know?

Skyrim: A OneMonthAnniversary Post

HOLY SHIT BALLS!  It is my OneMonthAnniversary of purchasing Skyrim and playing it and then writing about it. Can you believe it?  AND I'M NOT EVEN MAD....that's amazing! (sorry.....Anchorman joke)

I'm not even mad

I still don't know how to check to see how many hours I've played the game but I'm guessing on a WHOLE LOT because I have an assignment that is actually two days late that I need to hand in and mostly the reason is Skyrim (but is also me reading and having more French Tests and finding a job etc)...but MOSTLY Skyrim.

ALSO, I am POPULAR, you know, for being hilarious and writing about Skyrim because in one whole month people are READING this blog.  Like 986 people.  THAT'S ALMOST 1000!!!!!!  I don't know if it's 1000 actual people.....but my blog has been viewed that many times and in my head I want to say that's almost the same thing.  But really, I have 17 posts, so if each post was read once by a person then that would mean that realistically only 58 people are reading this which isn't that many but ALMOST A THOUSAND VIEWS....that's pretty good right?

ANYWERT - to commemorate this event I entered into a DRINKING CONTEST!!!!!!  I had some friends over to drink (in real life) and I was playing Skyrim before they came over and thought I'd show off by entering into this drinking contest just as they got here.  GREAT, right?!?!

Sam invites me to join him in a drinking contest

I was in Riften and hanging out in the Bee and Barb, you know, like any casual day in Riften, and this guy Sam was sitting there.  Being the extremely inquisitive wood elf I am I decided to talk to him.  Then he CHALLENGES me.  To a DRINKING contest.  As if I could turn that down.  I won second place in PUB GOLF......so basically this is a no-brainer.  He promised me some "staff" if I won and I clearly won...but by drinking only THREE drinks...how ridiculous....I could drink this guy under the table ANY DAY.

THEN, the screen went BLACK and I woke up all of a sudden in some place I've never been before!  It's a place called Markarth and man oh man I am CONFUSED apparently I'm in some temple of Dibella and this lady is yelling at me and I have a HEAD ACHE (effin mead).  I had to tell my friends, who don't play ANY video games....ever....except for mario kart on wii or something, that this was NOT expected.  I thought I would get drunk and stumble around and maybe start seeing things like when you drink that weird potion in Uncharted 3 and then you'd go to sleep and just be sub-par the next day.

So the lady in the temple is telling me I made a mess and I'm a big jerk and I need to clean up and I'm all "Where's Sam?  Where's my staff?" and she's all, BITCH YOU MADE A MESS.  CLEAN THAT UP.  I was unimpressed but I humoured her.  Anything that would make her stop yelling at me.

I'm asking all over town which is on a cliff and is REALLY confusing to get around because it's ALL CLIFFS

 It's really pretty......but it's intense.  ALSO, on my way I got SIDETRACKED into a haunted house but that's for another day.

AllThePeople kept telling me that the "sam guy" I was with went to Rorikstead...so I should go there.  So I did that.....and got told that apparently I STOLE A GOAT.  I am up to ridiculous shenanigans when drunk in Skyrim apparently.  Not only did I steal this goat but I SOLD it....to a GIANT.  So I had to go get it back.  That was easy enough but when I came back to GoatGuy he told me I bought a WEDDING RING in Whiterun.

WHOA WHOA WHOA.  WEDDING RING?!?!?!   I know I'm wearing the Amulet of Mara and all the ladies (and gents) should know I'm available, but to get engaged WITHOUT ME KNOWING (errr...remembering....shit...this is embarrassing).  I am getting to the bottom of this.

Ysolda in Whiterun tells me that if I'm not going to get married anymore she wants the ring back.....SERIOUSLY, I hate having to clean up after myself  She told me to go to Witchmist Grove where my fiancée lives and that sounds vaguely familiar.  I HAVE been there before so luckily I get to fastrackalack over there and I run into THIS looker:

Can you say MEAD GOGGLES?!?!?!  This bitch is one gross lady.  And she wants to CONSUMMATE OUR MARRIAGE.......I am NOT into that.....so I pummel her with my warhammer and take the ring away.  I gave it back to Ysolda and she told me where to find Sam......

A pearly white bit turns up and I end up at yet ANOTHER tea party except for in this one Sam reveals himself as Sanguine, a Daedric Prince who revels in debauchery....so he's all about passion and the CHAOS it can create.  He at least holds his side of the bargain, and gave me the Sanguine Rose staff.

WHAT A GUY!!!!

Now that my cyberheadache is gone I am TOTALLY READY TO DO IT AGAIN.

BRING IT DAEDRIC PRINCES!!!!!

Astaldofânwen gets called to High Hrothgar

I really hope I'm not spoiling any of this game for anyone (other than maybe that boy I date who is traveling in India who will eventually play this when he gets back and will also, I'm sure, make completely different decisions about who his character is, thus will play a very different game), but this game is getting EXCITING and I just want to TALK/WRITE about it!

These dudes are THIEVES (and merchants...and could have
been me if I so chose to be a kitty cat)

After speaking with the Jarl about WhateverItWas and bringing the dragonstone back to the magician who was speaking with some friend when I got back in, one of the Warriors came to tell us that there was a DRAGON sighting close to Whiterun and that we need to go KILL IT like right meow (<-- that would be a funnier joke if I was a Khajiit because Khajiit's look like this ^)




Of course I'm like "A DRAGON!?!?!???  I will slay it from the sky and make the earth tremble as it falls stealthily bring it to it's doom with an iron arrow" in an Elven accent that you can totally hear in the game (......not).

I get to the tower and the dragon is HUGE and people are shooting at it and I am hiding behind rocks and shooting it out of the sky like I promised and then it falls LIKE I SAID IT WOULD and dies and then all of a sudden it starts BURNING UP and then THIS HAPPENS!!!!!

 I am literally ABSORBING A DRAGON SOUL, and it is BRIGHT AND SHINY

and I am standing around being like WHAT THE?!?! and people are looking at me with these eyes like what is happening to you?!?! and then all the glowing stops and the chick is like "I never thought I'd see one of you in my lifetime, you must be........A DRAGONBORN"  and then I'm all like:

FOR REAL (also that is very fitting because I am also reading the "A Song of Ice and Fire" Series of Game of Thrones fame).  Of course I have no idea what ANY of this means and I'm meant to go back to the Jarl to tell him what happened and as I'm about to go into his fortress there is this loud THUNDERING and EVERYONE is looking up and I have no idea what's happening until they tell me these dudes with Grey Beards are calling me to their little place on a hilltop somewhere.

I'm supposed to visit these guys to get some ANSWERS because I absorbed some freaky dragon shit and let's be honest here: that could be really awesome, or I could be infected with some scaly poison that will eventually turn ME into a dragon which would be THE AWESOMEST (fingers crossed).

I had to climb 7000 steps to reach these old guys and I asked someone if there was anything I should watch out for while I'm on my way up because it's sort of treacherous and he was nice and said oh no, you shouldn't have to worry at all mostly ice wolves and that's about all.  So I was like awesome, relatively easy climb then, right?

Abominable Snowman

THAT should have been my first clue to BE PREPARED on my climb but I'm suuuuuuper trusting so I COMMENCE and there are wolves and I take their pelts because it comes in handy and I turn a corner and there is AN ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN that looked like this guy<----- 

Picture courtesy of
my friend Mike VanKuipers

Except he really looked more like this guy over here ---->

he also didn't look as happy.  But I killed him with the flames I found in my hands and then hit him with my battleaxe and he died.  PHEW!

So then the Greybeards told me I was the first Dragonborn in (insert some long period of time here) and that I will learn the intricacies of THE SHOUT.  Apparently people need lifelong training to master that stuff but I think these dudes forget that I'm a GIRL and I'm pretty adept at shouting.  But also this Dragonborn thing means I absorb some power from dragons when I kill then and that helps my ability to shout too...I guess.

Awesome.  So now I'm special. DRAGONS BEWARE OF MY STEALTHY BOW.