On News and Thieving

I got SO BAD at this and I apologize.  Not to sound conceited or anything (although, my family used to tell me "of all the conceit in our family, I think Jessica got most of it" - thanks for boosting it guys), but I re-read my blog sometimes and I think I'm HILARIOUS.  Mostly because I have context and during the sometimes 5 hour stints of me playing Skyrim I am in a constant state of inner laughter.  Regardless of all that, it's among one of the main reasons I actually play this shit.

This is something I wrote MONTHS ago.....and I thought it was still fairly true today and fitting for this post:

WOWZA.  I have been playing this game for TWO MONTHS and I'm not even CLOSE to finishing.  I think I mentioned this before but I think I average about 10 hours of playing a week, so let's approximate and say that I've spent 72 hours Climbing in people's windows and snatching their people up (don't forget to hide your kids and hide your wife....and your husband...because I'm pickpocketing ERRY-ONE out there).  That is THREE WHOLE DAYS of my life spent helping the citizens of Skyrim and basically saving their asses left right and center.
Without me, who would have taken Meridia's Beacon from the clutches of the evil Falmer in Shimmermist Cave?  Who would have Spread the Love of Mara around Skyrim? 

Me, waiting in line for the Keynote at PAX Prime West in Seattle

And may I add that my playing time has amounted to at least 5 days now?  and I haven't even played for two whole months because I've been in other countries where video games like STARCRAFT and LEAGUE OF LEGENDS are a big deal (neither of which I understand the fascination of in the slightest).


A lot has happened since the days of old as I become more than the girlfriend who plays one video game (which happens to be THE video game), and closer to the girl who starts to play Dungeons and Dragons with a regular D&D group and plays multiple video games and goes to video gaming conventions.  WUT!  Apparently it's been in me all along and I'm not ashamed.

Regardless of my newly attained video game prowess, I want to talk to you a little bit about my favorite questline in Skyrim.  Do you want to guess before I tell it to you?!?!?!  huh? Do ya? No?  Well you're no fun.

It's the Thieves Guild Questline.  You guys it is SO MUCH FUN, and intriguing, and ghostly, and, in my opinion, the best thought-out.  The last time I talked about my adventures in thiefdom was in this post of yore where I disclosed that Maven Blackbriar was the largest (and really only) client and that SOME SNEAKY MOM (or just person.....we had yet to find out) was slowly trying to shut her down and close her out of business.  For instance, the Goldenglow Estate where Maven got all her honey from for her Meadery was going to no longer supply it to her! WHAT THE EFF, so I warned the owner by burning down some bee hives and sneaking into the estate to find an interesting letter with a curious symbol on it.  Very curious indeed.

Maven asks to speak to me DIRECTLY, which, you guys, is SCARY because she's an intense lady who has waaaayyyy too much power over the peeps of Riften, and she wants to talk to ME.  Like I said, I'm a popular gal who gets invited to parties and the such and whatnot.  I talk to Maven like a civilized adult and she tells me that her competition up at the Hunningbrew Meadery outside of Whiterun somehow got a shitload of money and is in direct competition with Blackbriar Meadery.  Apparently she doesn't take to competition too well (as we've realized with the event I like to call "The Burning of the Bees") and she wants me to do something about it.

As if I have a choice, I agree to helping her out for a pretty sum and head to Whiterun to execute the plan.  Right now Hunningbrew has a skeever infestation (which I will agree is a thousand times worse than something like a cockroach or silverfish infestation).  I'm to find the nest and apply the poison said nest.  In doing so, I also have access to the brewing pots for the Mead and will put some gross shit in them to make the Mead taste disgusting and dirty so that when it gets tested by some eager investors they will drink the yuck and condemn the Hunningbrew dude and his mead therefore turning them towards the Blackbriar Meadery instead.  It's a pretty brilliant plan if you ask me, and, as you can imagine, worked like a charm, aside from the weird wizardy dude named Hamelyn that I met in the cave by the skeever nest who was batshit crazy forging a skeever army because he was upset about some people "wronging" him.  Give me a break.  I had to pull out some magic there and literally fire his ass so I could get to the nest and kill the skeevers.  What a pain in my backside.  I also stole a promissory note that contained the SAME symbol as that of the one found in Goldenglow Estate......curiouser and curiouser.

Regardless of all this, one common link is this dude name Gulum-Ei who often helps with thieves guild-y type things so I follow him to where he is actually sometimes stealing goods from the guild which by the way is an ass hole move, and I confront him about what all this is about.  He reveals to me that the person behind all this hullabaloo is a lady named KARLIAH.  At this point, the name means absolutely nothing to me, it's like, that moment where I *should* have some sort of jaw-dropping awe-ish reaction, but because I have no idea who the fuck he's talking about I'm like aiight and peace the scene.

Heading back to the thieves guild, I find out Karliah was a previous member of the guild, very close to both Mercer and the old guildmaster Gallus.  She also was the person who purportedly KILLED Gallus and now is planning on doing the same to Mercer Frey.  In other words, this sneaky lady is trying to shut down the thieves guild for good with her skeeving ways  and we're all not too happy about that.

So what are we going to do now? track her down? feed her to the wolves? cast a spell?  My questions were more like: what on earth does this chick have to gain from killing all these people?  Why would she resurface now after all this time?  Why am I the one who keeps getting chosen for all these high profile thieves guild quests when there are other people who are pretty high up in the seniority bit that might like some fame?

Want the answers?  CHECK BACK NEXT TIME BECAUSE THIS BLOG POST IS TOO FUCKING LONG.  I love you, but seriously all this typing is giving me a hand cramp.  UNTIL NEXT TIME, don't let anyone steal your sweet rolls.

Skyrim's More...Sultry Likings

Riften is an interesting place.  There are a lot of people and a lot of thieving and other interesting things going down.  I'm really finding all of the politics and inner workings of all the different cities the most interesting about this game because there is A LOT of drama.

In Riften there is this "bunkhouse" which is for the workers of Riften to stay in while they're working in the fisheries or whateverhaveyou and the lady who runs it is Haelga.  She is this cute little blonde number and although she says "if you're looking for a place to stay go to the Bee and Barb and get a room" (the local pub) I can still stay in her bunkhouse on an unused bed for free.  HURRAY!

But doesn't Haelga look like a vixen?  You're right, I didn't think so either.  She has a statue of Dibella in her entranceway which isn't strange because Dibella is the goddess of love and beauty (The Skyrim Venus, if you will) and there are Dibellan statues in almost every pretty lady's place.

Haelga isn't a very friendly person she's sort of hard and cold and this can be backed up by her maid, Svana.  Not only is Svana her maid, but she's Haelga's niece as well.  She's pretty bitter about the way Haelga's been treating her so she imparts to me a little secret. 

Apparently Haelga is QUITE the town bicycle.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  I know, right?  DRAMA IN THE BUNKHOUSE.  I had NO idea Skyrim would be so gossipy!  The reason Svana gave me this little tidbit of information is because she wants me to seek out the people Haelga has slept with and CONFRONT Haelga about her looseness.  Just to tone her down a bit and to make her be nicer to Svana.  Sure, I'm always into a little blackmail. 

Haelga has given all the men she sleeps with "the mark of dibella" - this cute little jewel to our left.  I'm supposed to go rustle up the dudes who have slept with her and get those things back and that's my proof that I know she's slept with those guys. 

I won't get into all the raunchy details......but ALL of the guys she's been sleeping with are MARRIED...and not to Haelga!  SCANDALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS WHOLE QUEST is not even the best part.  In Haelga's room in the bunkhouse I found the GEM OF GEMS.  I don't mean literal treasure, I mean something hilarious that still makes me laugh out loud today.

I found:  SKYRIM EROTICA.  I'm not kidding.  You know those reallllly sultry scenes in some books.....well THIS....this is something to behold.  It made my likeness for this game increase EXPONENTIALLY.  I will impart this video to you of some guy reading it out because it is easier than me reading it out, videoing, and then posting.  TAKE A LOOK. (I highly encourage you to take a look).

SERIOUSLY EVERYONE....The Lusty Argonian Maid?!?!?  How is that NOT brilliant? 

Skyrim's Ratways: A guide to Riften

Do you remember way back wheneverthatwas when I talked about how EXCITED I was to go to Riften?  Because I had heard so much about it and I need my jewels to be appraised!

My main purpose of coming to Riften though:  FINDING ESBERN.  In said post above I couldn't quite remember his name but he was important and YES, he is actually important.  He's the leader of THE BLADES, you know, those people who are supposed to protect and talk about the Dragonborn....and the Dragonborn.....who is that again? OH RIGHT! IT'S ME! HURRAY!

Off to Riften I go.  It is DARK and DREARY there.  It's like there's no moment where it's not foggy.  Riften is a pretty cool settlement because it's on a lake and there are all of these docks and A LOT of people.  I am looking at this picture and I'm like....huh.....I have not been to like half the places in that picture and I've been trolling around Riften for a long time....EFF.  Now I'm going to have to figure it all out.

Riften, as I've learned, is home to the Thieves Guild and there are MANY mixed emotions about this.  Some people are IN the guild so they're like yeah, werd, this shit is great, and others are like "GUILD PFFT, they don't have the right to be called that" or something similar.

I meet these two characters, Mjoll the Lioness and Aerin, and they are both seemingly good people.  Mjoll is pretty badass and kind of breaks down gender stereotypes because she's a well travelled warrior who got ill and was nursed back to health by Aerin who told her of the shit going down in Riften so she vowed to save the town.  She is not stoked on the thieves guild.  I hope she might be a contender for my love at some point...I would totally consider her as a life partner.

RIGHT, so I'm trying to find ESBERN, and peeps in the pub say I should check the RATWAYS.  SWA?  They are underneath Riften and a little freaky.  They tell me that THALMOR (seriously, these guys are ridiculous Elves...just give up already, I'm the DRAGONBORN) are running around the Ratways trying to find some person so I should be careful.  When am I not careful you guys?  I mean REALLY.

I don't know how I'm feeling about all of this creeping around.  Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed by HAVING TOO MANY QUESTS or because I am playing this game because I'm sad and unemployed.....or ALL OF THE ABOVE.  PLUS the ratway is skingy....like skingier than all of the caves I've been in.

BUT ALAS, INTO THE RATWAYS I GO!  Peeps were right there are Thalmor bitches everywhere.  WHATEVS, I'll shoot them with my arrows and my stealth-sneak-attackalack.

Esbern was hiding in a pretty secure little place with bolts on the door and the such.  Because that will keep him away from DRAGONS....right?  SO I told him....ESBERN........I am your father......KIDDING! I said I'm the DRAGONBORN and Delphine sent me so in other words, come with me if you want to live.

PHEW.  Now we have to go to some precious place called Alduin's Wall and I am a little nervous about that :S  TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!

Skyrim: A OneMonthAnniversary Post

HOLY SHIT BALLS!  It is my OneMonthAnniversary of purchasing Skyrim and playing it and then writing about it. Can you believe it?  AND I'M NOT EVEN MAD....that's amazing! (sorry.....Anchorman joke)

I'm not even mad

I still don't know how to check to see how many hours I've played the game but I'm guessing on a WHOLE LOT because I have an assignment that is actually two days late that I need to hand in and mostly the reason is Skyrim (but is also me reading and having more French Tests and finding a job etc)...but MOSTLY Skyrim.

ALSO, I am POPULAR, you know, for being hilarious and writing about Skyrim because in one whole month people are READING this blog.  Like 986 people.  THAT'S ALMOST 1000!!!!!!  I don't know if it's 1000 actual people.....but my blog has been viewed that many times and in my head I want to say that's almost the same thing.  But really, I have 17 posts, so if each post was read once by a person then that would mean that realistically only 58 people are reading this which isn't that many but ALMOST A THOUSAND VIEWS....that's pretty good right?

ANYWERT - to commemorate this event I entered into a DRINKING CONTEST!!!!!!  I had some friends over to drink (in real life) and I was playing Skyrim before they came over and thought I'd show off by entering into this drinking contest just as they got here.  GREAT, right?!?!

Sam invites me to join him in a drinking contest

I was in Riften and hanging out in the Bee and Barb, you know, like any casual day in Riften, and this guy Sam was sitting there.  Being the extremely inquisitive wood elf I am I decided to talk to him.  Then he CHALLENGES me.  To a DRINKING contest.  As if I could turn that down.  I won second place in PUB GOLF......so basically this is a no-brainer.  He promised me some "staff" if I won and I clearly won...but by drinking only THREE drinks...how ridiculous....I could drink this guy under the table ANY DAY.

THEN, the screen went BLACK and I woke up all of a sudden in some place I've never been before!  It's a place called Markarth and man oh man I am CONFUSED apparently I'm in some temple of Dibella and this lady is yelling at me and I have a HEAD ACHE (effin mead).  I had to tell my friends, who don't play ANY video games....ever....except for mario kart on wii or something, that this was NOT expected.  I thought I would get drunk and stumble around and maybe start seeing things like when you drink that weird potion in Uncharted 3 and then you'd go to sleep and just be sub-par the next day.

So the lady in the temple is telling me I made a mess and I'm a big jerk and I need to clean up and I'm all "Where's Sam?  Where's my staff?" and she's all, BITCH YOU MADE A MESS.  CLEAN THAT UP.  I was unimpressed but I humoured her.  Anything that would make her stop yelling at me.

I'm asking all over town which is on a cliff and is REALLY confusing to get around because it's ALL CLIFFS

 It's really pretty......but it's intense.  ALSO, on my way I got SIDETRACKED into a haunted house but that's for another day.

AllThePeople kept telling me that the "sam guy" I was with went to Rorikstead...so I should go there.  So I did that.....and got told that apparently I STOLE A GOAT.  I am up to ridiculous shenanigans when drunk in Skyrim apparently.  Not only did I steal this goat but I SOLD it....to a GIANT.  So I had to go get it back.  That was easy enough but when I came back to GoatGuy he told me I bought a WEDDING RING in Whiterun.

WHOA WHOA WHOA.  WEDDING RING?!?!?!   I know I'm wearing the Amulet of Mara and all the ladies (and gents) should know I'm available, but to get engaged WITHOUT ME KNOWING (errr...remembering....shit...this is embarrassing).  I am getting to the bottom of this.

Ysolda in Whiterun tells me that if I'm not going to get married anymore she wants the ring back.....SERIOUSLY, I hate having to clean up after myself  She told me to go to Witchmist Grove where my fiancée lives and that sounds vaguely familiar.  I HAVE been there before so luckily I get to fastrackalack over there and I run into THIS looker:

Can you say MEAD GOGGLES?!?!?!  This bitch is one gross lady.  And she wants to CONSUMMATE OUR MARRIAGE.......I am NOT into that.....so I pummel her with my warhammer and take the ring away.  I gave it back to Ysolda and she told me where to find Sam......

A pearly white bit turns up and I end up at yet ANOTHER tea party except for in this one Sam reveals himself as Sanguine, a Daedric Prince who revels in debauchery....so he's all about passion and the CHAOS it can create.  He at least holds his side of the bargain, and gave me the Sanguine Rose staff.

WHAT A GUY!!!!

Now that my cyberheadache is gone I am TOTALLY READY TO DO IT AGAIN.

BRING IT DAEDRIC PRINCES!!!!!

Skyrim: The ruiner of Relationships, or Being a Gamer's Girlfriend

I want to dedicate this post to ALL the girlfriends of gamers out there.  You know, the ladies who sit on the other end of the couch (or another couch alltogether) while their significant other is playing Mass Effect, or the lady who is impatiently waiting at a table for two while her boyfriend is just finishing that last quest, or the woman who goes to bed at 12:30am because she has to work in the morning and has had her sexual advances turned down because her boyfriend was busy falling out of an airplane or assassinating some priest.

But really - what's a guy to do?  Or a GAL, in my case.  There are those couples where the guy is super into this stuff and the girl looks like that lady above being all like "Seriously John Smith....you prematurely ejaculated on purpose just to make it to your raid on time?", and then there are girls who are like me that think it's radical their dudes are into this stuff and aren't entirely foreign to the world of gaming, and then there are the girls who are SUPER into gaming and know a lot more than me because they've been gaming since they were fetuses.


That guy I date always tells me how awesome I am for a lot of reasons:  My taste in music is really great, I am super into comics/graphic novels (and you throw in a little fairy tale in there I'm HOOKED), I know the parts/engineering under the hood of my car and can also fix some of them myself, I can change a tire, and up until now, I idly sat by while he played video games and he was stoked that I wasn't ^ that girl.

But now I'm finding myself in a situation that a lot of guys are in.  MY girlfriends aren't understanding my recent obsession/possession of SKYRIM.  A girlfriend of mine called me last month before I started playing and I asked her about the guy she had been sleeping with:

Me: SO, how are things with whatshisname?

J: Oh ummm, I'm not sure, he hasn't called or texted me in like two weeks.

Me: What?! Why?

J: Well, the last time we hung out he went to the store and bought skyrim, then we went home, had sex, and I came home.  I haven't heard from him since.

SOUND FAMILIAR TO ANYONE!??!?!!  I'm pretty sure that resonates with a few people entering into a new thing or whatever it is.  I also had another situation when I was out drinking with a guy friend I hadn't seen in a while:

Me: So Joe, What's new?

Joe: Not too much.

Joe's friend: HEY, is your girlfriend coming out tonight?

Joe: She's NOT my girlfriend.

Joe's friend: What do you MEAN she's not your girlfriend?  Any girl who sits on your couch and watches you play Skyrim is your girlfriend.

Point taken Joe's Friend....Point taken.

So basically, my whole POINT of this post is:  girls......just LET IT HAPPEN.  PLAY A LITTLE. OR, Read my Blog...because then you will at least know a little bit of what your boyfriend is talking about when he's like "That Haunted House in Markarth is BOGUS."  That and I'm really funny.

SURPRISE! in Riverwood!

SHIT IS GETTING INTERESTING.

The greybeard knowitalls from High Hrothgar asked me, as a final test of my abilities as a DRAGONBORN (also, let's just take a step back and be reminded about how AWESOME being a dragonborn is.....because it's pretty rad), to go retrieve some HORN of plenty (not really but a HORN néamoins (which is french for nevertheless)), and bring it back to them all safe and cozy.

Which really means that I  wasn't into it at first and then was STOKED.  Off to Ustengrav I travelled far and wide so that I could complete my mission as a SHOUTER....erm..I mean....DRAGONBORN.

This horn was being held in a cave-like thing so you could imagine what I was up against.  Draugrs, Sorcerers, you know, whatever else lives in a cave (FROSTBITE SPIDERS!?!?!?!?).  My stealth has gotten so good that I can walk up to a Draugr while it's still sleeping in its little coffin bit and stealthily ASSASSINATE THE SHIT OUT OF IT without it even waking up.  I AM A STEALTHY MOTHER!

So whatever I'm awesome and I defeat all of these things that I have to defeat and I'm getting pretty good at it now and I feel like this is a sort of easy task thank goodness and I get to where Boy Blue left his horn and there is a NOTE that says: "Dragonborn, your secret is safe with me.  I jacked your stuff so come to Riverwood and sleep at the inn but ask for the attic room because it's WAY more comfortable. Love, A FRIEND"

WHO IS THIS FRIEND?!?!?!?!?  So I bolt out of Ustengrav and fastrackalack to Riverwood, ask the lovely Inn Keeper, Delphine, to show me to the attic room, where she says oh...why yes...of course, we don't have an attic, but this room will have to do.  So I am TIRED from all of my travelling and Draugr sneaking and basically everything I've been doing (Being a DRAGONBORN is HARD WORK guys). I set the little gauge for a 3 hour power nap only to be woken up by DELPHINE who leads me into her WARDROBE (I didn't think she knew THAT secret....) and takes me to a secret hidden room.

She tells me she's a part of some group called The Blades who are important for some reason or another and they are bound to protect the dragonborns and know a whole bunch about them and that I had already met her once.  WHAT?!?!? SECRETIVE?!!?!?!

Remember that lady I talked about in THIS POST OF YORE who was talking to the MAGICIAN in Whiterun just after I got called into High Hrothgar?  THAT WAS DELPHINE!!  I returned the Dragonstone I had been asked to retrieve and it was really for HER so that she could pinpoint where the next dragon was going to be.  AND SHE FOUND THE NEXT ONE.  I wish I could just capture my own game play because in this video I'm about to post I totally killed this silly dragon faster than this guy but LOOK AT WHAT IS HAPPENING:

To tell you what is happening, Delphine and I went in search of a dragon and we found that Alduin, the Dragon that attacked before I was about to be beheaded, is RESURRECTING (like from the dead....or whatever) OTHER DRAGONS and is speaking in dragon-speak and is being all high and mighty.  Sort of scary, REALLY cool.

So now I'm off to defeat some Thalmor and see if they're behind this business.

Running to Riverrun

My belly was full and my new friend from Helgen and I fled for Riverwood to warn the PEOPLE about there being a DRAGON on the loose and ruining everyone's fun (being used as a relative term because getting my head chopped off wasn't really fun for me).

We ran and ran, and then we stopped to kill a RANDOM DOG (or three) (or maybe they were wolves) that were attacking us and howling at the sun or whatever.  All the while Hadvar (my friend has a name) is talking my ear off about the "StormCloaks" and how he is of the Imperial Army or something and that I should join because their cause is good and one of the IMPORTANT people who was supposed to get his head cut off in Helgen was actually this guy ULFRIC WHO IS EVIL (apparently?) and who is leader of some rebellion and the stormycloak dudes were all his accomplices.

Also Hadvar is telling me that this new General something has only been in command for two MONTHS while their last General was trying to catch Ulfric for TWO YEARS so this new guy must be some kind of genius right?

This is where I, as in me, the person actually playing the game, not my avatar, Astaldofânwen, who is probably none the wiser, is SUSPECTING things about this new General.  Why was Ulfric captured so quickly?  Maybe Ulfric WANTED to be captured.  Maybe the Gen and Ully (I like that better) are in CAHOOTS together (as my gee-ma would say) and planning some evil plot...plan.....thing.....for the KING.  I don't know if I've been told that there is a king but this game has DRAGONS so there's got to be a King of some sort right?  I have no idea I haven't played OBLIVION so I wouldn't know.


Sotocontinuefinally.......We run into Riverwood to see Hadvar's uncle, Alvor, for some reason or another.  Mostly to use his forge to forge my own weapons....which I didn't think about at the time I was too interested in taking his carrots and apparently stealing a wooden bowl to think that it would be a good idea to have something better than just an IRON SWORD.  Looking back that was STUPID. 

Anywert (in the words of Raych, who is of the hilarious kind) Alvar told me I should go to Whiterun and that it was "just North over the hill" or something and I can say that right now I am not liking his deception (more on this at a time that is not now).  Hadvar again encourages my joining the Imperial Army and I say I'll think about it.

I set on my way to Whiterun discovering all of these ruined houses and get into strange situations like this creep Cisero who has THE MOST ANNOYING VOICE EVAR, seriously, a clip?  THIS is what happened and I don't like this guy:
(please note that this is a clip from youtube and that my wood elf is way hotter than this person's character but I also like that they have posted this so that I can share my annoyance with you)

I just told the guard that I didn't know what Cisero was carrying in that coffin (please...your mother?  get a better story, Joker), and I think he arrested him but I got the monies from Loreius and that was alright.

So far I still don't know what I'm doing.  I'm meeting Stormcloaks on the road who are telling me to JOIN THEM but they aren't killing me (I think it's because I'm a hawt Wood Elf, personally) so now I'm all torn and confused (STORMCLOAKS OR IMPERIAL ARMY WHAT WILL I DO?!!?!?!).

hrmph.