On News and Thieving

I got SO BAD at this and I apologize.  Not to sound conceited or anything (although, my family used to tell me "of all the conceit in our family, I think Jessica got most of it" - thanks for boosting it guys), but I re-read my blog sometimes and I think I'm HILARIOUS.  Mostly because I have context and during the sometimes 5 hour stints of me playing Skyrim I am in a constant state of inner laughter.  Regardless of all that, it's among one of the main reasons I actually play this shit.

This is something I wrote MONTHS ago.....and I thought it was still fairly true today and fitting for this post:

WOWZA.  I have been playing this game for TWO MONTHS and I'm not even CLOSE to finishing.  I think I mentioned this before but I think I average about 10 hours of playing a week, so let's approximate and say that I've spent 72 hours Climbing in people's windows and snatching their people up (don't forget to hide your kids and hide your wife....and your husband...because I'm pickpocketing ERRY-ONE out there).  That is THREE WHOLE DAYS of my life spent helping the citizens of Skyrim and basically saving their asses left right and center.
Without me, who would have taken Meridia's Beacon from the clutches of the evil Falmer in Shimmermist Cave?  Who would have Spread the Love of Mara around Skyrim? 

Me, waiting in line for the Keynote at PAX Prime West in Seattle

And may I add that my playing time has amounted to at least 5 days now?  and I haven't even played for two whole months because I've been in other countries where video games like STARCRAFT and LEAGUE OF LEGENDS are a big deal (neither of which I understand the fascination of in the slightest).


A lot has happened since the days of old as I become more than the girlfriend who plays one video game (which happens to be THE video game), and closer to the girl who starts to play Dungeons and Dragons with a regular D&D group and plays multiple video games and goes to video gaming conventions.  WUT!  Apparently it's been in me all along and I'm not ashamed.

Regardless of my newly attained video game prowess, I want to talk to you a little bit about my favorite questline in Skyrim.  Do you want to guess before I tell it to you?!?!?!  huh? Do ya? No?  Well you're no fun.

It's the Thieves Guild Questline.  You guys it is SO MUCH FUN, and intriguing, and ghostly, and, in my opinion, the best thought-out.  The last time I talked about my adventures in thiefdom was in this post of yore where I disclosed that Maven Blackbriar was the largest (and really only) client and that SOME SNEAKY MOM (or just person.....we had yet to find out) was slowly trying to shut her down and close her out of business.  For instance, the Goldenglow Estate where Maven got all her honey from for her Meadery was going to no longer supply it to her! WHAT THE EFF, so I warned the owner by burning down some bee hives and sneaking into the estate to find an interesting letter with a curious symbol on it.  Very curious indeed.

Maven asks to speak to me DIRECTLY, which, you guys, is SCARY because she's an intense lady who has waaaayyyy too much power over the peeps of Riften, and she wants to talk to ME.  Like I said, I'm a popular gal who gets invited to parties and the such and whatnot.  I talk to Maven like a civilized adult and she tells me that her competition up at the Hunningbrew Meadery outside of Whiterun somehow got a shitload of money and is in direct competition with Blackbriar Meadery.  Apparently she doesn't take to competition too well (as we've realized with the event I like to call "The Burning of the Bees") and she wants me to do something about it.

As if I have a choice, I agree to helping her out for a pretty sum and head to Whiterun to execute the plan.  Right now Hunningbrew has a skeever infestation (which I will agree is a thousand times worse than something like a cockroach or silverfish infestation).  I'm to find the nest and apply the poison said nest.  In doing so, I also have access to the brewing pots for the Mead and will put some gross shit in them to make the Mead taste disgusting and dirty so that when it gets tested by some eager investors they will drink the yuck and condemn the Hunningbrew dude and his mead therefore turning them towards the Blackbriar Meadery instead.  It's a pretty brilliant plan if you ask me, and, as you can imagine, worked like a charm, aside from the weird wizardy dude named Hamelyn that I met in the cave by the skeever nest who was batshit crazy forging a skeever army because he was upset about some people "wronging" him.  Give me a break.  I had to pull out some magic there and literally fire his ass so I could get to the nest and kill the skeevers.  What a pain in my backside.  I also stole a promissory note that contained the SAME symbol as that of the one found in Goldenglow Estate......curiouser and curiouser.

Regardless of all this, one common link is this dude name Gulum-Ei who often helps with thieves guild-y type things so I follow him to where he is actually sometimes stealing goods from the guild which by the way is an ass hole move, and I confront him about what all this is about.  He reveals to me that the person behind all this hullabaloo is a lady named KARLIAH.  At this point, the name means absolutely nothing to me, it's like, that moment where I *should* have some sort of jaw-dropping awe-ish reaction, but because I have no idea who the fuck he's talking about I'm like aiight and peace the scene.

Heading back to the thieves guild, I find out Karliah was a previous member of the guild, very close to both Mercer and the old guildmaster Gallus.  She also was the person who purportedly KILLED Gallus and now is planning on doing the same to Mercer Frey.  In other words, this sneaky lady is trying to shut down the thieves guild for good with her skeeving ways  and we're all not too happy about that.

So what are we going to do now? track her down? feed her to the wolves? cast a spell?  My questions were more like: what on earth does this chick have to gain from killing all these people?  Why would she resurface now after all this time?  Why am I the one who keeps getting chosen for all these high profile thieves guild quests when there are other people who are pretty high up in the seniority bit that might like some fame?

Want the answers?  CHECK BACK NEXT TIME BECAUSE THIS BLOG POST IS TOO FUCKING LONG.  I love you, but seriously all this typing is giving me a hand cramp.  UNTIL NEXT TIME, don't let anyone steal your sweet rolls.

Skyrim: A OneMonthAnniversary Post

HOLY SHIT BALLS!  It is my OneMonthAnniversary of purchasing Skyrim and playing it and then writing about it. Can you believe it?  AND I'M NOT EVEN MAD....that's amazing! (sorry.....Anchorman joke)

I'm not even mad

I still don't know how to check to see how many hours I've played the game but I'm guessing on a WHOLE LOT because I have an assignment that is actually two days late that I need to hand in and mostly the reason is Skyrim (but is also me reading and having more French Tests and finding a job etc)...but MOSTLY Skyrim.

ALSO, I am POPULAR, you know, for being hilarious and writing about Skyrim because in one whole month people are READING this blog.  Like 986 people.  THAT'S ALMOST 1000!!!!!!  I don't know if it's 1000 actual people.....but my blog has been viewed that many times and in my head I want to say that's almost the same thing.  But really, I have 17 posts, so if each post was read once by a person then that would mean that realistically only 58 people are reading this which isn't that many but ALMOST A THOUSAND VIEWS....that's pretty good right?

ANYWERT - to commemorate this event I entered into a DRINKING CONTEST!!!!!!  I had some friends over to drink (in real life) and I was playing Skyrim before they came over and thought I'd show off by entering into this drinking contest just as they got here.  GREAT, right?!?!

Sam invites me to join him in a drinking contest

I was in Riften and hanging out in the Bee and Barb, you know, like any casual day in Riften, and this guy Sam was sitting there.  Being the extremely inquisitive wood elf I am I decided to talk to him.  Then he CHALLENGES me.  To a DRINKING contest.  As if I could turn that down.  I won second place in PUB GOLF......so basically this is a no-brainer.  He promised me some "staff" if I won and I clearly won...but by drinking only THREE drinks...how ridiculous....I could drink this guy under the table ANY DAY.

THEN, the screen went BLACK and I woke up all of a sudden in some place I've never been before!  It's a place called Markarth and man oh man I am CONFUSED apparently I'm in some temple of Dibella and this lady is yelling at me and I have a HEAD ACHE (effin mead).  I had to tell my friends, who don't play ANY video games....ever....except for mario kart on wii or something, that this was NOT expected.  I thought I would get drunk and stumble around and maybe start seeing things like when you drink that weird potion in Uncharted 3 and then you'd go to sleep and just be sub-par the next day.

So the lady in the temple is telling me I made a mess and I'm a big jerk and I need to clean up and I'm all "Where's Sam?  Where's my staff?" and she's all, BITCH YOU MADE A MESS.  CLEAN THAT UP.  I was unimpressed but I humoured her.  Anything that would make her stop yelling at me.

I'm asking all over town which is on a cliff and is REALLY confusing to get around because it's ALL CLIFFS

 It's really pretty......but it's intense.  ALSO, on my way I got SIDETRACKED into a haunted house but that's for another day.

AllThePeople kept telling me that the "sam guy" I was with went to Rorikstead...so I should go there.  So I did that.....and got told that apparently I STOLE A GOAT.  I am up to ridiculous shenanigans when drunk in Skyrim apparently.  Not only did I steal this goat but I SOLD it....to a GIANT.  So I had to go get it back.  That was easy enough but when I came back to GoatGuy he told me I bought a WEDDING RING in Whiterun.

WHOA WHOA WHOA.  WEDDING RING?!?!?!   I know I'm wearing the Amulet of Mara and all the ladies (and gents) should know I'm available, but to get engaged WITHOUT ME KNOWING (errr...remembering....shit...this is embarrassing).  I am getting to the bottom of this.

Ysolda in Whiterun tells me that if I'm not going to get married anymore she wants the ring back.....SERIOUSLY, I hate having to clean up after myself  She told me to go to Witchmist Grove where my fiancée lives and that sounds vaguely familiar.  I HAVE been there before so luckily I get to fastrackalack over there and I run into THIS looker:

Can you say MEAD GOGGLES?!?!?!  This bitch is one gross lady.  And she wants to CONSUMMATE OUR MARRIAGE.......I am NOT into that.....so I pummel her with my warhammer and take the ring away.  I gave it back to Ysolda and she told me where to find Sam......

A pearly white bit turns up and I end up at yet ANOTHER tea party except for in this one Sam reveals himself as Sanguine, a Daedric Prince who revels in debauchery....so he's all about passion and the CHAOS it can create.  He at least holds his side of the bargain, and gave me the Sanguine Rose staff.

WHAT A GUY!!!!

Now that my cyberheadache is gone I am TOTALLY READY TO DO IT AGAIN.

BRING IT DAEDRIC PRINCES!!!!!

Skyrim's Elusive Redguard Woman

As I was walking out of Whiterun one day, minding my own business, I came upon two men standing at the gates.  They said to me "HEY YOU HAVE YOU SEEN A REDGUARD LADY!?!?!?" and I was all "uhhh.....I've seen a few redguard people in Whiterun......sooooo how exactly am I supposed to be certain that I've seen who you're looking for?" and then they sort of walked away being like "well if you see her" without really answering my question.  Nice People.

Apparently it took me forever to find this woman even though I kind of like Whiterun and I hang out there on the regular and I like to drink there, and sleep especially to pass the time because I have a free bed there in Jorvaskr since I'm a Companion and all.  BUT I FOUND THE REDGUARD LADY, and she is HOT.  She told me this sob story about how this pretty bad guy Kematu was after her and that I should probably go and kill him because he is BAD.  And I'm a sucker for women in distress in this game because I ALWAYS WANT TO HELP THEM, even though this chick might actually be a fugitive I don't care.

She's hot, right?

ALSO, I'm wearing the Amulet of Mara, which, by the way, tells the ladies that I'm available.....TO DATE....and marry, and the such so really I'm just scoping out my prospects of potential lovers.  I can see the allure to women of the thing, it's quite pretty, and I would know, since I'm a woman, but do guys really have to wear this bulky thing? 

So I go to some cave, which there seems to be a lot of in Skyrim, and I find Kematu and all of his peeps - there are A LOT OF PEEPS.  But something TRAGIC happened amidst my hammering those peeps away.

For an hour my playstation was stuck about to bludgeon an Alik'r warrior to death with my Dwarven Warhammer in hopes that it would somehow UNFREEZE because I was completely unsure as to whether it SAVED or not and then I'd have to redo a whole bunch of things like KILL A DRAGON and fight a bunch of dudes and my level would decrease and I would be the SADDEST.

Alas, no unfreezing occured so a restart of my PS3 was necessary BUT LUCKILY I only had to redo the part where I entered into the cave so that was fortunate (PHEWF).

Then I proceeded to kill a bunch of bitches and Saadia thanked me but it wasn't necessarily a "happy ending" if you know what I mean.  Apparently my charm, whit, and heroism didn't appeal to her, regardless of my badass necklace. *sigh*  I guess there are plenty of fish in the sea....or so they say.

Companionship and Chaurus

Jorrvaskr, house of the Companions

As history has told me (and, I realize, because I am the kind of player that wants to talk to EVERY SINGLE PERSON which is also why I have a million quests (but also because that's the way the game is made (and also I'm using SO MANY PARENTHESES))), Whiterun was built around Jorrvaskar, the big house of the Companions.

Basically everyone who talks about this group in the game speaks highly of their ability to fight, and most of all, they work as a group WITHOUT A LEADER (how they do that effectively I'm not quite sure but it's a neat idea).  Why not join them right?  yeah, I thought so too.  They seem pretty neutral in this whole "civil war" stuff that's going on right now.  But life's questions will catch up with me soon (like do I make BEEF STEW or VENISON????).

Now in order to really become a companion I have to clear Shimmermist Cave of its leader which was one of the first "real" side quests I had to do and please note that I was half way into being at level 3 and I was like I AM BAD ASS, LEVEL 3 BITCHES!  and I was WRONG my friends....so so so wrong.  First you get into the cave and there are glowing mushrooms and weird eggs for these things called Chaurus and you're like weird I don't see any I guess they haven't hatched yet.  The cave is a little daunting - right?

So you keep walking and then all of a sudden there are these CREEPY THINGS called Falmers.  Do you remember that movie The Descent where those people go into this unexplored cave and find out there are these weird creatures that will eat EVERYONE and that can see in the dark?  Like this:

Well Falmers basically look like THAT but with armor and bows and arrows and shields that they will ATTACK YOU WITH.  But it's fine because I get past them fine, it's no big deal, it takes a couple swings of my BattleAxe but they die, it's all good.

BUT THEN I fall into this CHAURUS pit and those things are like big cockroaches mixed with scorpions that spit out this black stuff that does SOMETHING to you and they are tough because their shell is like armor and I KEPT DYING because I had no idea how to kill them effectively and so you know what I did?

I RAN BACK OUT THE WAY I CAME.  You heard me.  I'm a scaredy cat (errr...elf).  So then I did what any good person would do, I looked online to see what I was doing wrong and the internet advised me that I probably should go in there when I'm a higher level and that would probably be better because that shit is hard.

I'll be back, Falmers, I'll be back.  Those Chaurus won't know what hit them.

LOOK AT THIS THING! IT"S A FUCKING CHAURUS

Running to Riverrun

My belly was full and my new friend from Helgen and I fled for Riverwood to warn the PEOPLE about there being a DRAGON on the loose and ruining everyone's fun (being used as a relative term because getting my head chopped off wasn't really fun for me).

We ran and ran, and then we stopped to kill a RANDOM DOG (or three) (or maybe they were wolves) that were attacking us and howling at the sun or whatever.  All the while Hadvar (my friend has a name) is talking my ear off about the "StormCloaks" and how he is of the Imperial Army or something and that I should join because their cause is good and one of the IMPORTANT people who was supposed to get his head cut off in Helgen was actually this guy ULFRIC WHO IS EVIL (apparently?) and who is leader of some rebellion and the stormycloak dudes were all his accomplices.

Also Hadvar is telling me that this new General something has only been in command for two MONTHS while their last General was trying to catch Ulfric for TWO YEARS so this new guy must be some kind of genius right?

This is where I, as in me, the person actually playing the game, not my avatar, Astaldofânwen, who is probably none the wiser, is SUSPECTING things about this new General.  Why was Ulfric captured so quickly?  Maybe Ulfric WANTED to be captured.  Maybe the Gen and Ully (I like that better) are in CAHOOTS together (as my gee-ma would say) and planning some evil plot...plan.....thing.....for the KING.  I don't know if I've been told that there is a king but this game has DRAGONS so there's got to be a King of some sort right?  I have no idea I haven't played OBLIVION so I wouldn't know.


Sotocontinuefinally.......We run into Riverwood to see Hadvar's uncle, Alvor, for some reason or another.  Mostly to use his forge to forge my own weapons....which I didn't think about at the time I was too interested in taking his carrots and apparently stealing a wooden bowl to think that it would be a good idea to have something better than just an IRON SWORD.  Looking back that was STUPID. 

Anywert (in the words of Raych, who is of the hilarious kind) Alvar told me I should go to Whiterun and that it was "just North over the hill" or something and I can say that right now I am not liking his deception (more on this at a time that is not now).  Hadvar again encourages my joining the Imperial Army and I say I'll think about it.

I set on my way to Whiterun discovering all of these ruined houses and get into strange situations like this creep Cisero who has THE MOST ANNOYING VOICE EVAR, seriously, a clip?  THIS is what happened and I don't like this guy:
(please note that this is a clip from youtube and that my wood elf is way hotter than this person's character but I also like that they have posted this so that I can share my annoyance with you)

I just told the guard that I didn't know what Cisero was carrying in that coffin (please...your mother?  get a better story, Joker), and I think he arrested him but I got the monies from Loreius and that was alright.

So far I still don't know what I'm doing.  I'm meeting Stormcloaks on the road who are telling me to JOIN THEM but they aren't killing me (I think it's because I'm a hawt Wood Elf, personally) so now I'm all torn and confused (STORMCLOAKS OR IMPERIAL ARMY WHAT WILL I DO?!!?!?!).

hrmph.