Skyrim's Thieves Guild - My Kinda People

It's no surprise that my last post about the Erotica I found in Haelga's room (and in newer news, on the shelf in one of the breweries too) is the most read post on my blog.  Who doesn't like sexy times?  I was visiting my Aunt and Uncle over the weekend and he was telling me how nerdy I am for posting about sex in my blog while he's got his headphones on and is swearing at some 16 year olds while he's playing WoW.  As he taught my 3 year old cousin to say - "Cool Story Bro."

I have definitely been logging more playing hours than WRITING hours...which is probably not good for business BUT THIS GAME IS SO EXCITING!!!!

Interestingly, the second most viewed post is the one where I talk about FOOD.  So I will do that again and then tell you how I proceeded to burn some bee hives.

FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS BEAUTY OF A BREAKFAST

That, my friends, is roasted bell pepper (of the red variety) with an EGG in the middle of it.  Complete with some Kicking Horse Coffee (Kick Ass) and a little salt, pepper, and chilli powder.  GENIUS.

That prepared me for a THIEVES GUILD quest.  This quest line is becoming one of my favorites (aside from the COMPANIONS one and I found out something EXCITING there but I don't want to ruin it because it was just so cool!).  Have I even told you about the thieves guild?!?!?!  They are a group of dudes and dudettes who are into pickpocketing and stealing and cunning and run Riften under the noses of the Jarl.  What a group!  I love 'em.  I first had to show that I'm worth their time by telling a bunch of punks to pay up.  I had to throw a statue around and break some urn and basically just be badass and finally Brynjolf was all like "great work, the thieves guild is BACK IN ACTION"

But what do you mean BACK in action?  As it turns out the thieves guild's biggest client is Maven Blackbriar, the lady in charge of the Blackbriar Meadery and things are happening that are slowly shutting her down.  We don't know what exactly...but one thing is for sure:  The dude who owns Goldenglow Estate has SOLD his property which means they are NOT going to be supplying the necessary shit for making the MEAD (and the mead is SO important...obvs).  My mission, which I totally chose to take, was to intimidate the guy and burn THREE bee hives to say "HEY BITCH WE'RE SERIOUS" and then steal some things from the estate.

THE BEE HIVES!  I had to swim and get to the little island and BEAT UP SOME DUDES with arrows.  Like I said in previous posts, I think I'm AWESOME and I was able to stealthily kill a lot of the guys protecting the place and with the flames from my hand I was able to SET THAT SHIT ON FIIIIIIIIIIRRRE!!!!!!!  Like THIS ---->

WOOOP WOOOP.  I got the deed from the house and there was this WEIRD symbol on it....so I don't know.  There is definitely some one plotting the demise of the Thieves Gild.  Which is sad because I am really liking being a part of their little gang.  They're some kind of alright.  They're like a family so I'm going to continue to help them out.  I'm a sucker for the badasses, y'know?

Skyrim's More...Sultry Likings

Riften is an interesting place.  There are a lot of people and a lot of thieving and other interesting things going down.  I'm really finding all of the politics and inner workings of all the different cities the most interesting about this game because there is A LOT of drama.

In Riften there is this "bunkhouse" which is for the workers of Riften to stay in while they're working in the fisheries or whateverhaveyou and the lady who runs it is Haelga.  She is this cute little blonde number and although she says "if you're looking for a place to stay go to the Bee and Barb and get a room" (the local pub) I can still stay in her bunkhouse on an unused bed for free.  HURRAY!

But doesn't Haelga look like a vixen?  You're right, I didn't think so either.  She has a statue of Dibella in her entranceway which isn't strange because Dibella is the goddess of love and beauty (The Skyrim Venus, if you will) and there are Dibellan statues in almost every pretty lady's place.

Haelga isn't a very friendly person she's sort of hard and cold and this can be backed up by her maid, Svana.  Not only is Svana her maid, but she's Haelga's niece as well.  She's pretty bitter about the way Haelga's been treating her so she imparts to me a little secret. 

Apparently Haelga is QUITE the town bicycle.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  I know, right?  DRAMA IN THE BUNKHOUSE.  I had NO idea Skyrim would be so gossipy!  The reason Svana gave me this little tidbit of information is because she wants me to seek out the people Haelga has slept with and CONFRONT Haelga about her looseness.  Just to tone her down a bit and to make her be nicer to Svana.  Sure, I'm always into a little blackmail. 

Haelga has given all the men she sleeps with "the mark of dibella" - this cute little jewel to our left.  I'm supposed to go rustle up the dudes who have slept with her and get those things back and that's my proof that I know she's slept with those guys. 

I won't get into all the raunchy details......but ALL of the guys she's been sleeping with are MARRIED...and not to Haelga!  SCANDALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS WHOLE QUEST is not even the best part.  In Haelga's room in the bunkhouse I found the GEM OF GEMS.  I don't mean literal treasure, I mean something hilarious that still makes me laugh out loud today.

I found:  SKYRIM EROTICA.  I'm not kidding.  You know those reallllly sultry scenes in some books.....well THIS....this is something to behold.  It made my likeness for this game increase EXPONENTIALLY.  I will impart this video to you of some guy reading it out because it is easier than me reading it out, videoing, and then posting.  TAKE A LOOK. (I highly encourage you to take a look).

SERIOUSLY EVERYONE....The Lusty Argonian Maid?!?!?  How is that NOT brilliant?