Skyrim's More...Sultry Likings

Riften is an interesting place.  There are a lot of people and a lot of thieving and other interesting things going down.  I'm really finding all of the politics and inner workings of all the different cities the most interesting about this game because there is A LOT of drama.

In Riften there is this "bunkhouse" which is for the workers of Riften to stay in while they're working in the fisheries or whateverhaveyou and the lady who runs it is Haelga.  She is this cute little blonde number and although she says "if you're looking for a place to stay go to the Bee and Barb and get a room" (the local pub) I can still stay in her bunkhouse on an unused bed for free.  HURRAY!

But doesn't Haelga look like a vixen?  You're right, I didn't think so either.  She has a statue of Dibella in her entranceway which isn't strange because Dibella is the goddess of love and beauty (The Skyrim Venus, if you will) and there are Dibellan statues in almost every pretty lady's place.

Haelga isn't a very friendly person she's sort of hard and cold and this can be backed up by her maid, Svana.  Not only is Svana her maid, but she's Haelga's niece as well.  She's pretty bitter about the way Haelga's been treating her so she imparts to me a little secret. 

Apparently Haelga is QUITE the town bicycle.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  I know, right?  DRAMA IN THE BUNKHOUSE.  I had NO idea Skyrim would be so gossipy!  The reason Svana gave me this little tidbit of information is because she wants me to seek out the people Haelga has slept with and CONFRONT Haelga about her looseness.  Just to tone her down a bit and to make her be nicer to Svana.  Sure, I'm always into a little blackmail. 

Haelga has given all the men she sleeps with "the mark of dibella" - this cute little jewel to our left.  I'm supposed to go rustle up the dudes who have slept with her and get those things back and that's my proof that I know she's slept with those guys. 

I won't get into all the raunchy details......but ALL of the guys she's been sleeping with are MARRIED...and not to Haelga!  SCANDALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS WHOLE QUEST is not even the best part.  In Haelga's room in the bunkhouse I found the GEM OF GEMS.  I don't mean literal treasure, I mean something hilarious that still makes me laugh out loud today.

I found:  SKYRIM EROTICA.  I'm not kidding.  You know those reallllly sultry scenes in some books.....well THIS....this is something to behold.  It made my likeness for this game increase EXPONENTIALLY.  I will impart this video to you of some guy reading it out because it is easier than me reading it out, videoing, and then posting.  TAKE A LOOK. (I highly encourage you to take a look).

SERIOUSLY EVERYONE....The Lusty Argonian Maid?!?!?  How is that NOT brilliant?