Skyrim's Adventures In Wonderland

NO WONDER I LOVE THIS GAME.  While there are no shortage of references and allusions in popular culture to Lewis Caroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, the ones that DO reference it and do it WELL, get five hooka-smoking-caterpillars out of five in my books.

Skyrim does hommage to this by way of a "madman" wandering around in Solitude by the Blue Palace.  He tells me his boss is on vacation....that's lasted fo-eva.  It's times like these where I wish I could put my own REAL LIFE reactions to these situations because I would have been like "HAVE A DRINK BUDDY, LET'S GET SOME MEAD" to celebrate.  But unfortunately Astaldofânwen was made to be inquisitive and is like "Well I'll help you get that guy back so that you can feel some sense of purpose in life rather than aimlessly roaming around the Blue Palace and SCARING THE LOCALS."

In order to find this guy I had to gain access to the Pelagius Wing of the Blue Palace which is said to be haunted and no one goes in there and it's this big deal.  I don't know why, but apparently it is.  I don't know much about Pelagius, other than he was the Jarl of Solitude at one point and went a little bonkers - MY KINDA GUY.  I wonder if he'll check out my amulet of mara?

I get the key into the Pelagius Wing from a pretty lady sitting down who cleans the place and I HEAD ON IN.  there are COBWEBS and it is QUIET and there are books all over and chairs thrown all over the place and I'm thinking - why isn't this area being USED FOR SOMETHING....like a PARTY?!?!?!?  It would be great on Halloween.

I'm also being sneaky because this place sort of freaks me out and who knows what kind of thing will come out at me.  So I start walking down this hall and all of a sudden I AM IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PLACE.  OUTSIDE.  Where some people are having a MAD TEA PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MY FAVORITE KIND!!!!!  Another moment where I wish I could say my own things like "WHO'S UNBIRTHDAY ARE WE CELEBRATING?!?!?!" came so I just said it out loud anyway.

Pelagius the Mad was a dead ringer for the Mad Hatter (except for he didn't have a hat, but he is MAD, so that counts right?) and the guy in the pretty cloak could have been the Marge Hare.  Why not.  At this point I sort of felt like the tiny mouse (twinkle twinkle little bat?!).  ALSO my clothes are different, I have no weapons, my items list can't be accessed and I feel NAKED.  But in reality I'm wearing this SILLY HAT:
 <<SIDEBAR: HOLY FUCK YOU GUYS....I just spent like 20 minutes internet searching for the outfit they put on me when I entered into this wonderland and HOW HAS NO ONE TALKED ABOUT THE OUTFIT BEFORE!?!?!?!  I can't believe I didn't take a picture of HOW SILLY I LOOKED because I can't find a picture on the internet ANYWHERE......DAMMIT.>>

The Marge Hare sort of tells me that we are in Pelagius' mind and that he's got some shit to deal with (GREAT, the guy's got issues, TAKE A NUMBER BUDDY, I'M THE DRAGONBORN). So I follow one of the stonehenge-like pillar-y type things and Pelagius is sleeping on a bed so I hit him with this Wabbajack thing The Hare gave me and then a wolf shows up so I hit him and he turns into A GOAT and then I hit sleeping beauty again and creepy things keep showing up every time I hit him and then I hit the things that come up and they turn into his mom....and other things.....(kid issues, mom issues, this guy has got 'em that's for sure. They seem like the bad things turn into good things.....so I'm not sure why the wolf would turn into a goat....did he have a good time with a goat? Was Pelagius both mad AND a fan of bestiality? Also wtf does this weird staff do anyway?  It's weird).

Then I walk into another entrance to something and the Titans are fighting and some dude is watching and I think I have to kill the Titans but really I'm supposed to kill the dudes watching who turn into wolves (is there a clinical term for people who are scared of wolves?  because THIS DUDE HAS GOT IT.....I don't need to be a doctor to diagnose that).
THEN, probably the coolest of the three entrance ways I'm supposed to beat is Pelagius' ANGER and CONFIDENCE who are duking it out, hitting each other and making each other little and big and sort of like each time they punch each other means they've eaten the wrong side of the mushroom.  WHY WASN"T THE CATERPILLAR MORE CLEAR AS TO WHAT SIDE DOES WHAT????

Well you know what they say, a little goes a long way.  This is what the fight looked like for all of them:


So kind of cool anyway.  I got Pelagius' hip bone.......cool.....I guess...whatever I need that for.  Good thing that's all sorted out.  NOW GIVE ME MY THALMOR ARMOR BACK BITCHES.