Astaldofânwen: Skyrim's Best Matchmaker and Agent of Love

I'm really not the kind of person who gets extra sappy around Valentine's Day because I eat chocolate all the time anyway.  But THIS YEAR that guy I date was galavanting in his motherland during V-Day and I was feeling sappy.  So what did I do?!?!?!?!

WHY, I made my character visit the Temple of Mara in Riften, of course.  I met up with Dinya my homegirl at the temple, and she was all "Would you like to be an agent of Mara and spread her love around Skyrim?" to which I replied "EFF YA IT'S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!" 

My first task:  Set up two young lovers in Ivarsted.  I fly over to Ivarsted, a white winged cherub with a heart tipped arrow, and meet Fastred.  Fastred is nicely harvesting the plants in her family's garden and there's a look of sadness in her eye.  you know, the look one might get when told they're not allowed to love the one you love.  Talk about Romeo and Juliet!  Farsted has fallen in love with Bassianus (who I'm not really into to be honest) but her father HATES HIM.  She's all "you NEED to talk to my father for me" and I'm like urgh fine...I'll do it....

Bassianus, just chillin, y'know how it is

Since I obviously am such an authority on the matter, I would rather have her rekindle her love with Klimmek, whom I did a favor for before learning "The Way of The Voice" up in High Hrothgar (even though he is a bit older than Fastred, but love knows no age limits (except in real life, where she's probably really only 16)).  UNFORTUNATELY, I looked around for Klimmek everywhere to switch that shit up, but couldn't find him and got annoyed so BASSIANUS IT IS.  I have so much power, you know? (I think it's my "honeyed words").

Basically, I'm good at matchmaking and I got Bassianus and Fastred together and they happily flee to Riften (so basically they rushed away to thief central which is cool because I need to increase my pickpocketing skills).

My next task on the way to becoming an "agent of Mara" is to get OldMagicGuy Calcemo together with the Housecarl of Markarth's Jarl (yarl, carl, rarl......I have no idea what I'm saying), Faleen.  She's pretty rad, I've spoken with her before, and Calcemo, well, he's old fashioned but not a smooth talker like me.  Calcemo urges me to find out what Faleen likes (sweet rolls? missionary?  S&M?) so clearly I talk to her best friend, Yngvar.  Poor Calcemo, Yngvar isn't a bad looking dude (if you're into that sorta thing) so I'm really surprised by his willingness to help out!   He says, as cold as Faleen looks on the outside, she actually REALLY loves POETRY!!!  This girl has got some taste.  Not only does he give me this little bit of information but he also provides a poem he wrote for some girl that he can change to be for Faleen (but not without a price, argh). But read it isn't it CUTE?!?!?!

A missive: from Calcelmo to Faleen

My lover's heart is numbing stone

That hides in ice beneath our sight.

So some decry, "It is not there,"

While others whisper, "Yet, it might."

Though stone is born from fevered ash,

Once formed it yields no whiff of heat.

So too, her heart betrays no love,

Nor comforts those embracing it.

As mountains grow and yearn for sky,

Then climbers, conquering, ascend.

With chisel, rope, with axe and pick,

They force the rock to yield to them.

One peak stands proud amidst the range,

Invincible, and scaled by none.

Those men who try wash down her slopes;

Their eye-born streams obliquely run.

For brash assault could never pierce

Those guarded depths that lay apart.

But patient water gently shapes

A furtive channel to the heart.

My love is delving water, ice

That cracks with cycles of the sun.

A lapping, yearning, whispered plea

Will mark the time 'til I rush in.

For I have dwelt among the rocks,

My city carved from rugged stone.

So in that burrow I will creep,

And warm the soul which makes my home.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!  Let's just say, that worked like a charm!

So now that I've made Fastred make up her mind and turned Calcemo into Shakespeare it's time I bring a couple together who have been drifting apart......pretty literally.  See this couple were around AGES ago, and died unfortunately while looking for each other.  Condemned to never knowing what happened as spirit form, it's my job to bring them together.

You see, I didn't really want to kill anyone during this quest, but I begrudgingly had to walk past a DRAGON circling a Mammoth and that was just annoying because you basically have no choice but to kill the thing in the meantime.  No rest for the Dragonborn, so it goes.

BUT WHATEVER, I got the man with the fiery beard and his little bonnet woman together and they lived (in death) happily ever after!  They even floated up in the sky like two cute hollographic ghosty guys.  Good for them.  I'm a champion.

AWESOME, now I'm an "Agent of Mara" which means I have +15 Magic Resistance.....WERD UP.

Moral of the Story:  It pays to be a lover, man.

Skyrim's Thieves Guild - My Kinda People

It's no surprise that my last post about the Erotica I found in Haelga's room (and in newer news, on the shelf in one of the breweries too) is the most read post on my blog.  Who doesn't like sexy times?  I was visiting my Aunt and Uncle over the weekend and he was telling me how nerdy I am for posting about sex in my blog while he's got his headphones on and is swearing at some 16 year olds while he's playing WoW.  As he taught my 3 year old cousin to say - "Cool Story Bro."

I have definitely been logging more playing hours than WRITING hours...which is probably not good for business BUT THIS GAME IS SO EXCITING!!!!

Interestingly, the second most viewed post is the one where I talk about FOOD.  So I will do that again and then tell you how I proceeded to burn some bee hives.

FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS BEAUTY OF A BREAKFAST

That, my friends, is roasted bell pepper (of the red variety) with an EGG in the middle of it.  Complete with some Kicking Horse Coffee (Kick Ass) and a little salt, pepper, and chilli powder.  GENIUS.

That prepared me for a THIEVES GUILD quest.  This quest line is becoming one of my favorites (aside from the COMPANIONS one and I found out something EXCITING there but I don't want to ruin it because it was just so cool!).  Have I even told you about the thieves guild?!?!?!  They are a group of dudes and dudettes who are into pickpocketing and stealing and cunning and run Riften under the noses of the Jarl.  What a group!  I love 'em.  I first had to show that I'm worth their time by telling a bunch of punks to pay up.  I had to throw a statue around and break some urn and basically just be badass and finally Brynjolf was all like "great work, the thieves guild is BACK IN ACTION"

But what do you mean BACK in action?  As it turns out the thieves guild's biggest client is Maven Blackbriar, the lady in charge of the Blackbriar Meadery and things are happening that are slowly shutting her down.  We don't know what exactly...but one thing is for sure:  The dude who owns Goldenglow Estate has SOLD his property which means they are NOT going to be supplying the necessary shit for making the MEAD (and the mead is SO important...obvs).  My mission, which I totally chose to take, was to intimidate the guy and burn THREE bee hives to say "HEY BITCH WE'RE SERIOUS" and then steal some things from the estate.

THE BEE HIVES!  I had to swim and get to the little island and BEAT UP SOME DUDES with arrows.  Like I said in previous posts, I think I'm AWESOME and I was able to stealthily kill a lot of the guys protecting the place and with the flames from my hand I was able to SET THAT SHIT ON FIIIIIIIIIIRRRE!!!!!!!  Like THIS ---->

WOOOP WOOOP.  I got the deed from the house and there was this WEIRD symbol on it....so I don't know.  There is definitely some one plotting the demise of the Thieves Gild.  Which is sad because I am really liking being a part of their little gang.  They're some kind of alright.  They're like a family so I'm going to continue to help them out.  I'm a sucker for the badasses, y'know?