Let me just say that somehow over the course of a few months I regained some sort of a social/working life and have since ignored my duties of posting all of the exciting adventures I've had. Did you miss me? I kind of missed this.
A sneak peak into the catching up I will do now that school is done and I am back to being unemployed for the time being:
I killed some skeevers and poisoned some beer and framed a dude.
There are a million conspiracies against ALL the different groups in Skyrim.
I became a prominent landowner in almost every town.
I am a poet, likeable to shakespeare.
I "listen" very carefully.
Skyrim is glitchy as shit, but still it's super fun?
There is a fucking CASTLE IN THE SKY.
A lot of homeboys/girls want to marry me (who can blame them?)
The time I turned green and became a cow.
Plants sing songs and come in crimson colours!
Mediating civil wars is NOT all it's cracked up to be.
I'm still not fucking done the game......
This isn't even the half of it.
My friend Laurel is going to disown me, but I love this shit.
I'm really not the kind of person who gets extra sappy around Valentine's Day because I eat chocolate all the time anyway. But THIS YEAR that guy I date was galavanting in his motherland during V-Day and I was feeling sappy. So what did I do?!?!?!?!
WHY, I made my character visit the Temple of Mara in Riften, of course. I met up with Dinya my homegirl at the temple, and she was all "Would you like to be an agent of Mara and spread her love around Skyrim?" to which I replied "EFF YA IT'S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!"
My first task: Set up two young lovers in Ivarsted. I fly over to Ivarsted, a white winged cherub with a heart tipped arrow, and meet Fastred. Fastred is nicely harvesting the plants in her family's garden and there's a look of sadness in her eye. you know, the look one might get when told they're not allowed to love the one you love. Talk about Romeo and Juliet! Farsted has fallen in love with Bassianus (who I'm not really into to be honest) but her father HATES HIM. She's all "you NEED to talk to my father for me" and I'm like urgh fine...I'll do it....
Bassianus, just chillin, y'know how it is
Since I obviously am such an authority on the matter, I would rather have her rekindle her love with Klimmek, whom I did a favor for before learning "The Way of The Voice" up in High Hrothgar (even though he is a bit older than Fastred, but love knows no age limits (except in real life, where she's probably really only 16)). UNFORTUNATELY, I looked around for Klimmek everywhere to switch that shit up, but couldn't find him and got annoyed so BASSIANUS IT IS. I have so much power, you know? (I think it's my "honeyed words").
Basically, I'm good at matchmaking and I got Bassianus and Fastred together and they happily flee to Riften (so basically they rushed away to thief central which is cool because I need to increase my pickpocketing skills).
My next task on the way to becoming an "agent of Mara" is to get OldMagicGuy Calcemo together with the Housecarl of Markarth's Jarl (yarl, carl, rarl......I have no idea what I'm saying), Faleen. She's pretty rad, I've spoken with her before, and Calcemo, well, he's old fashioned but not a smooth talker like me. Calcemo urges me to find out what Faleen likes (sweet rolls? missionary? S&M?) so clearly I talk to her best friend, Yngvar. Poor Calcemo, Yngvar isn't a bad looking dude (if you're into that sorta thing) so I'm really surprised by his willingness to help out! He says, as cold as Faleen looks on the outside, she actually REALLY loves POETRY!!! This girl has got some taste. Not only does he give me this little bit of information but he also provides a poem he wrote for some girl that he can change to be for Faleen (but not without a price, argh). But read it isn't it CUTE?!?!?!
A missive: from Calcelmo to Faleen
My lover's heart is numbing stone
That hides in ice beneath our sight.
So some decry, "It is not there,"
While others whisper, "Yet, it might."
Though stone is born from fevered ash,
Once formed it yields no whiff of heat.
So too, her heart betrays no love,
Nor comforts those embracing it.
As mountains grow and yearn for sky,
Then climbers, conquering, ascend.
With chisel, rope, with axe and pick,
They force the rock to yield to them.
One peak stands proud amidst the range,
Invincible, and scaled by none.
Those men who try wash down her slopes;
Their eye-born streams obliquely run.
For brash assault could never pierce
Those guarded depths that lay apart.
But patient water gently shapes
A furtive channel to the heart.
My love is delving water, ice
That cracks with cycles of the sun.
A lapping, yearning, whispered plea
Will mark the time 'til I rush in.
For I have dwelt among the rocks,
My city carved from rugged stone.
So in that burrow I will creep,
And warm the soul which makes my home.
AWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! Let's just say, that worked like a charm!
So now that I've made Fastred make up her mind and turned Calcemo into Shakespeare it's time I bring a couple together who have been drifting apart......pretty literally. See this couple were around AGES ago, and died unfortunately while looking for each other. Condemned to never knowing what happened as spirit form, it's my job to bring them together.
You see, I didn't really want to kill anyone during this quest, but I begrudgingly had to walk past a DRAGON circling a Mammoth and that was just annoying because you basically have no choice but to kill the thing in the meantime. No rest for the Dragonborn, so it goes.
BUT WHATEVER, I got the man with the fiery beard and his little bonnet woman together and they lived (in death) happily ever after! They even floated up in the sky like two cute hollographic ghosty guys. Good for them. I'm a champion.
AWESOME, now I'm an "Agent of Mara" which means I have +15 Magic Resistance.....WERD UP.
It's no surprise that my last post about the Erotica I found in Haelga's room (and in newer news, on the shelf in one of the breweries too) is the most read post on my blog. Who doesn't like sexy times? I was visiting my Aunt and Uncle over the weekend and he was telling me how nerdy I am for posting about sex in my blog while he's got his headphones on and is swearing at some 16 year olds while he's playing WoW. As he taught my 3 year old cousin to say - "Cool Story Bro."
I have definitely been logging more playing hours than WRITING hours...which is probably not good for business BUT THIS GAME IS SO EXCITING!!!!
Interestingly, the second most viewed post is the one where I talk about FOOD. So I will do that again and then tell you how I proceeded to burn some bee hives.
FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS BEAUTY OF A BREAKFAST
That, my friends, is roasted bell pepper (of the red variety) with an EGG in the middle of it. Complete with some Kicking Horse Coffee (Kick Ass) and a little salt, pepper, and chilli powder. GENIUS.
That prepared me for a THIEVES GUILD quest. This quest line is becoming one of my favorites (aside from the COMPANIONS one and I found out something EXCITING there but I don't want to ruin it because it was just so cool!). Have I even told you about the thieves guild?!?!?! They are a group of dudes and dudettes who are into pickpocketing and stealing and cunning and run Riften under the noses of the Jarl. What a group! I love 'em. I first had to show that I'm worth their time by telling a bunch of punks to pay up. I had to throw a statue around and break some urn and basically just be badass and finally Brynjolf was all like "great work, the thieves guild is BACK IN ACTION"
But what do you mean BACK in action? As it turns out the thieves guild's biggest client is Maven Blackbriar, the lady in charge of the Blackbriar Meadery and things are happening that are slowly shutting her down. We don't know what exactly...but one thing is for sure: The dude who owns Goldenglow Estate has SOLD his property which means they are NOT going to be supplying the necessary shit for making the MEAD (and the mead is SO important...obvs). My mission, which I totally chose to take, was to intimidate the guy and burn THREE bee hives to say "HEY BITCH WE'RE SERIOUS" and then steal some things from the estate.
THE BEE HIVES! I had to swim and get to the little island and BEAT UP SOME DUDES with arrows. Like I said in previous posts, I think I'm AWESOME and I was able to stealthily kill a lot of the guys protecting the place and with the flames from my hand I was able to SET THAT SHIT ON FIIIIIIIIIIRRRE!!!!!!! Like THIS ---->
WOOOP WOOOP. I got the deed from the house and there was this WEIRD symbol on it....so I don't know. There is definitely some one plotting the demise of the Thieves Gild. Which is sad because I am really liking being a part of their little gang. They're some kind of alright. They're like a family so I'm going to continue to help them out. I'm a sucker for the badasses, y'know?
Riften is an interesting place. There are a lot of people and a lot of thieving and other interesting things going down. I'm really finding all of the politics and inner workings of all the different cities the most interesting about this game because there is A LOT of drama.
In Riften there is this "bunkhouse" which is for the workers of Riften to stay in while they're working in the fisheries or whateverhaveyou and the lady who runs it is Haelga. She is this cute little blonde number and although she says "if you're looking for a place to stay go to the Bee and Barb and get a room" (the local pub) I can still stay in her bunkhouse on an unused bed for free. HURRAY!
But doesn't Haelga look like a vixen? You're right, I didn't think so either. She has a statue of Dibella in her entranceway which isn't strange because Dibella is the goddess of love and beauty (The Skyrim Venus, if you will) and there are Dibellan statues in almost every pretty lady's place.
Haelga isn't a very friendly person she's sort of hard and cold and this can be backed up by her maid, Svana. Not only is Svana her maid, but she's Haelga's niece as well. She's pretty bitter about the way Haelga's been treating her so she imparts to me a little secret.
Apparently Haelga is QUITE the town bicycle. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I know, right? DRAMA IN THE BUNKHOUSE. I had NO idea Skyrim would be so gossipy! The reason Svana gave me this little tidbit of information is because she wants me to seek out the people Haelga has slept with and CONFRONT Haelga about her looseness. Just to tone her down a bit and to make her be nicer to Svana. Sure, I'm always into a little blackmail.
Haelga has given all the men she sleeps with "the mark of dibella" - this cute little jewel to our left. I'm supposed to go rustle up the dudes who have slept with her and get those things back and that's my proof that I know she's slept with those guys.
I won't get into all the raunchy details......but ALL of the guys she's been sleeping with are MARRIED...and not to Haelga! SCANDALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS WHOLE QUEST is not even the best part. In Haelga's room in the bunkhouse I found the GEM OF GEMS. I don't mean literal treasure, I mean something hilarious that still makes me laugh out loud today.
I found: SKYRIM EROTICA. I'm not kidding. You know those reallllly sultry scenes in some books.....well THIS....this is something to behold. It made my likeness for this game increase EXPONENTIALLY. I will impart this video to you of some guy reading it out because it is easier than me reading it out, videoing, and then posting. TAKE A LOOK. (I highly encourage you to take a look).
SERIOUSLY EVERYONE....The Lusty Argonian Maid?!?!? How is that NOT brilliant?
Do you remember way back wheneverthatwas when I talked about how EXCITED I was to go to Riften? Because I had heard so much about it and I need my jewels to be appraised!
My main purpose of coming to Riften though: FINDING ESBERN. In said post above I couldn't quite remember his name but he was important and YES, he is actually important. He's the leader of THE BLADES, you know, those people who are supposed to protect and talk about the Dragonborn....and the Dragonborn.....who is that again? OH RIGHT! IT'S ME! HURRAY!
Off to Riften I go. It is DARK and DREARY there. It's like there's no moment where it's not foggy. Riften is a pretty cool settlement because it's on a lake and there are all of these docks and A LOT of people. I am looking at this picture and I'm like....huh.....I have not been to like half the places in that picture and I've been trolling around Riften for a long time....EFF. Now I'm going to have to figure it all out.
Riften, as I've learned, is home to the Thieves Guild and there are MANY mixed emotions about this. Some people are IN the guild so they're like yeah, werd, this shit is great, and others are like "GUILD PFFT, they don't have the right to be called that" or something similar.
I meet these two characters, Mjoll the Lioness and Aerin, and they are both seemingly good people. Mjoll is pretty badass and kind of breaks down gender stereotypes because she's a well travelled warrior who got ill and was nursed back to health by Aerin who told her of the shit going down in Riften so she vowed to save the town. She is not stoked on the thieves guild. I hope she might be a contender for my love at some point...I would totally consider her as a life partner.
RIGHT, so I'm trying to find ESBERN, and peeps in the pub say I should check the RATWAYS. SWA? They are underneath Riften and a little freaky. They tell me that THALMOR (seriously, these guys are ridiculous Elves...just give up already, I'm the DRAGONBORN) are running around the Ratways trying to find some person so I should be careful. When am I not careful you guys? I mean REALLY.
I don't know how I'm feeling about all of this creeping around. Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed by HAVING TOO MANY QUESTS or because I am playing this game because I'm sad and unemployed.....or ALL OF THE ABOVE. PLUS the ratway is skingy....like skingier than all of the caves I've been in.
BUT ALAS, INTO THE RATWAYS I GO! Peeps were right there are Thalmor bitches everywhere. WHATEVS, I'll shoot them with my arrows and my stealth-sneak-attackalack.
Esbern was hiding in a pretty secure little place with bolts on the door and the such. Because that will keep him away from DRAGONS....right? SO I told him....ESBERN........I am your father......KIDDING! I said I'm the DRAGONBORN and Delphine sent me so in other words, come with me if you want to live.
PHEW. Now we have to go to some precious place called Alduin's Wall and I am a little nervous about that :S TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!
HOLY SHIT BALLS! It is my OneMonthAnniversary of purchasing Skyrim and playing it and then writing about it. Can you believe it? AND I'M NOT EVEN MAD....that's amazing! (sorry.....Anchorman joke)
I still don't know how to check to see how many hours I've played the game but I'm guessing on a WHOLE LOT because I have an assignment that is actually two days late that I need to hand in and mostly the reason is Skyrim (but is also me reading and having more French Tests and finding a job etc)...but MOSTLY Skyrim.
ALSO, I am POPULAR, you know, for being hilarious and writing about Skyrim because in one whole month people are READING this blog. Like 986 people. THAT'S ALMOST 1000!!!!!! I don't know if it's 1000 actual people.....but my blog has been viewed that many times and in my head I want to say that's almost the same thing. But really, I have 17 posts, so if each post was read once by a person then that would mean that realistically only 58 people are reading this which isn't that many but ALMOST A THOUSAND VIEWS....that's pretty good right?
ANYWERT - to commemorate this event I entered into a DRINKING CONTEST!!!!!! I had some friends over to drink (in real life) and I was playing Skyrim before they came over and thought I'd show off by entering into this drinking contest just as they got here. GREAT, right?!?!
Sam invites me to join him in a drinking contest
I was in Riften and hanging out in the Bee and Barb, you know, like any casual day in Riften, and this guy Sam was sitting there. Being the extremely inquisitive wood elf I am I decided to talk to him. Then he CHALLENGES me. To a DRINKING contest. As if I could turn that down. I won second place in PUB GOLF......so basically this is a no-brainer. He promised me some "staff" if I won and I clearly won...but by drinking only THREE drinks...how ridiculous....I could drink this guy under the table ANY DAY.
THEN, the screen went BLACK and I woke up all of a sudden in some place I've never been before! It's a place called Markarth and man oh man I am CONFUSED apparently I'm in some temple of Dibella and this lady is yelling at me and I have a HEAD ACHE (effin mead). I had to tell my friends, who don't play ANY video games....ever....except for mario kart on wii or something, that this was NOT expected. I thought I would get drunk and stumble around and maybe start seeing things like when you drink that weird potion in Uncharted 3 and then you'd go to sleep and just be sub-par the next day.
So the lady in the temple is telling me I made a mess and I'm a big jerk and I need to clean up and I'm all "Where's Sam? Where's my staff?" and she's all, BITCH YOU MADE A MESS. CLEAN THAT UP. I was unimpressed but I humoured her. Anything that would make her stop yelling at me.
I'm asking all over town which is on a cliff and is REALLY confusing to get around because it's ALL CLIFFS
It's really pretty......but it's intense. ALSO, on my way I got SIDETRACKED into a haunted house but that's for another day.
AllThePeople kept telling me that the "sam guy" I was with went to Rorikstead...so I should go there. So I did that.....and got told that apparently I STOLE A GOAT. I am up to ridiculous shenanigans when drunk in Skyrim apparently. Not only did I steal this goat but I SOLD it....to a GIANT. So I had to go get it back. That was easy enough but when I came back to GoatGuy he told me I bought a WEDDING RING in Whiterun.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. WEDDING RING?!?!?! I know I'm wearing the Amulet of Mara and all the ladies (and gents) should know I'm available, but to get engaged WITHOUT ME KNOWING (errr...remembering....shit...this is embarrassing). I am getting to the bottom of this.
Ysolda in Whiterun tells me that if I'm not going to get married anymore she wants the ring back.....SERIOUSLY, I hate having to clean up after myself She told me to go to Witchmist Grove where my fiancée lives and that sounds vaguely familiar. I HAVE been there before so luckily I get to fastrackalack over there and I run into THIS looker:
Can you say MEAD GOGGLES?!?!?! This bitch is one gross lady. And she wants to CONSUMMATE OUR MARRIAGE.......I am NOT into that.....so I pummel her with my warhammer and take the ring away. I gave it back to Ysolda and she told me where to find Sam......
A pearly white bit turns up and I end up at yet ANOTHER tea party except for in this one Sam reveals himself as Sanguine, a Daedric Prince who revels in debauchery....so he's all about passion and the CHAOS it can create. He at least holds his side of the bargain, and gave me the Sanguine Rose staff.
WHAT A GUY!!!!
Now that my cyberheadache is gone I am TOTALLY READY TO DO IT AGAIN.
I want to dedicate this post to ALL the girlfriends of gamers out there. You know, the ladies who sit on the other end of the couch (or another couch alltogether) while their significant other is playing Mass Effect, or the lady who is impatiently waiting at a table for two while her boyfriend is just finishing that last quest, or the woman who goes to bed at 12:30am because she has to work in the morning and has had her sexual advances turned down because her boyfriend was busy falling out of an airplane or assassinating some priest.
But really - what's a guy to do? Or a GAL, in my case. There are those couples where the guy is super into this stuff and the girl looks like that lady above being all like "Seriously John Smith....you prematurely ejaculated on purpose just to make it to your raid on time?", and then there are girls who are like me that think it's radical their dudes are into this stuff and aren't entirely foreign to the world of gaming, and then there are the girls who are SUPER into gaming and know a lot more than me because they've been gaming since they were fetuses.
That guy I date always tells me how awesome I am for a lot of reasons: My taste in music is really great, I am super into comics/graphic novels (and you throw in a little fairy tale in there I'm HOOKED), I know the parts/engineering under the hood of my car and can also fix some of them myself, I can change a tire, and up until now, I idly sat by while he played video games and he was stoked that I wasn't ^ that girl.
But now I'm finding myself in a situation that a lot of guys are in. MY girlfriends aren't understanding my recent obsession/possession of SKYRIM. A girlfriend of mine called me last month before I started playing and I asked her about the guy she had been sleeping with:
Me: SO, how are things with whatshisname?
J: Oh ummm, I'm not sure, he hasn't called or texted me in like two weeks.
Me: What?! Why?
J: Well, the last time we hung out he went to the store and bought skyrim, then we went home, had sex, and I came home. I haven't heard from him since.
SOUND FAMILIAR TO ANYONE!??!?!! I'm pretty sure that resonates with a few people entering into a new thing or whatever it is. I also had another situation when I was out drinking with a guy friend I hadn't seen in a while:
Me: So Joe, What's new?
Joe: Not too much.
Joe's friend: HEY, is your girlfriend coming out tonight?
Joe: She's NOT my girlfriend.
Joe's friend: What do you MEAN she's not your girlfriend? Any girl who sits on your couch and watches you play Skyrim is your girlfriend.
Point taken Joe's Friend....Point taken.
So basically, my whole POINT of this post is: girls......just LET IT HAPPEN. PLAY A LITTLE. OR, Read my Blog...because then you will at least know a little bit of what your boyfriend is talking about when he's like "That Haunted House in Markarth is BOGUS." That and I'm really funny.
