Astaldofânwen goes to a Party

You guys, my character is POPULAR.  She is an elf and gets invited to ALL THE PARTIES.  It doesn't matter that really I wasn't invited per se and that I may have gotten an invitation by way of infiltration and that I had to sneak what gear I wanted to sneak into the THALMOR EMBASSY (also, in my attempts to be pretty neutral thus far on the civil war front....these bitches are crazy), I WENT TO SAID PARTY.

The THALMOR.....let me tell you, are ELVES, like me, except for some reason I'm some sort of outlaw (whatever, I'll call them.....racist or something.....agaist their own race...jerks).  But these guys don't want people to worship TALOS, whoever that god....sorry, GUY is (I actually sort of know who he is, but apparently he was a really high up DUDE who did some things and then people started worshipping him like a god and that shit is FORBIDDEN now....and people get arrested.  There's this weird man in Whiterun who keeps babbling out prophesies and the such who knows more about it than I do).

ANYWAY, they are hosting a party at the embassy and I am meant to gather information on whether or not the Thalmor are behind the letting loose of the dragons.  To do this I have to somehow sneak away from the party and INFILTRATE SANTA'S OPERATION....I mean...wait....this is not a Community episode, although, side note...BRING THAT SHIT BACK ALREADY.

How do I cause a distraction you ask?  There is a REALLY drunk guy sitting on a bench who has been cut off ALREADY when I get there, so I kindly buy him another drink and then tell him to cause a distraction!  SEE HOW BUMPIN THIS PARTY IS?  For real.

He is SO GOOD AT DISTRACTING because me and the bartender hide away in some closet (I know...I'm thinking seven minutes in heaven (check that shit out) and he's all "grab your shit and go!  hurry up!").

So I hurry and get some dossiers and my friend dies because I am slow at saving him/saving my own ass.  Awesome.  And what was it all for?  Who knows, the Thalmor aren't behind the dragons and they're just as confused as I am.  GREAT.

SURPRISE! in Riverwood!

SHIT IS GETTING INTERESTING.

The greybeard knowitalls from High Hrothgar asked me, as a final test of my abilities as a DRAGONBORN (also, let's just take a step back and be reminded about how AWESOME being a dragonborn is.....because it's pretty rad), to go retrieve some HORN of plenty (not really but a HORN néamoins (which is french for nevertheless)), and bring it back to them all safe and cozy.

Which really means that I  wasn't into it at first and then was STOKED.  Off to Ustengrav I travelled far and wide so that I could complete my mission as a SHOUTER....erm..I mean....DRAGONBORN.

This horn was being held in a cave-like thing so you could imagine what I was up against.  Draugrs, Sorcerers, you know, whatever else lives in a cave (FROSTBITE SPIDERS!?!?!?!?).  My stealth has gotten so good that I can walk up to a Draugr while it's still sleeping in its little coffin bit and stealthily ASSASSINATE THE SHIT OUT OF IT without it even waking up.  I AM A STEALTHY MOTHER!

So whatever I'm awesome and I defeat all of these things that I have to defeat and I'm getting pretty good at it now and I feel like this is a sort of easy task thank goodness and I get to where Boy Blue left his horn and there is a NOTE that says: "Dragonborn, your secret is safe with me.  I jacked your stuff so come to Riverwood and sleep at the inn but ask for the attic room because it's WAY more comfortable. Love, A FRIEND"

WHO IS THIS FRIEND?!?!?!?!?  So I bolt out of Ustengrav and fastrackalack to Riverwood, ask the lovely Inn Keeper, Delphine, to show me to the attic room, where she says oh...why yes...of course, we don't have an attic, but this room will have to do.  So I am TIRED from all of my travelling and Draugr sneaking and basically everything I've been doing (Being a DRAGONBORN is HARD WORK guys). I set the little gauge for a 3 hour power nap only to be woken up by DELPHINE who leads me into her WARDROBE (I didn't think she knew THAT secret....) and takes me to a secret hidden room.

She tells me she's a part of some group called The Blades who are important for some reason or another and they are bound to protect the dragonborns and know a whole bunch about them and that I had already met her once.  WHAT?!?!? SECRETIVE?!!?!?!

Remember that lady I talked about in THIS POST OF YORE who was talking to the MAGICIAN in Whiterun just after I got called into High Hrothgar?  THAT WAS DELPHINE!!  I returned the Dragonstone I had been asked to retrieve and it was really for HER so that she could pinpoint where the next dragon was going to be.  AND SHE FOUND THE NEXT ONE.  I wish I could just capture my own game play because in this video I'm about to post I totally killed this silly dragon faster than this guy but LOOK AT WHAT IS HAPPENING:

To tell you what is happening, Delphine and I went in search of a dragon and we found that Alduin, the Dragon that attacked before I was about to be beheaded, is RESURRECTING (like from the dead....or whatever) OTHER DRAGONS and is speaking in dragon-speak and is being all high and mighty.  Sort of scary, REALLY cool.

So now I'm off to defeat some Thalmor and see if they're behind this business.

Why I Like This Crap

I thought it was time to post some reasons for thinking this game is pretty radical (other than the obvious stuff like DRAGONS and QUESTS and SECRETS and MAGIKS).  I'm also feeling a little "listical" which is sort of like whimsical but with lists? (I made that up just now on the spot).

1. THERE IS A STORY! but what is tubular about there being a story is that I don't always have to follow that story.  If I want to become part of the Thieves Guild in Riften then I'm all over it because really that does nothing but increase my pickpocketing/stealth meters and I am SUPER into that.
2. THAT STORY IS ACTUALLY COOL! in other words, when I do go back to the story line, I'm excited!  Because I have done all these extra things like kill the CENTURION bodyguard in Shimmermist Cave and made a boat run afoul and stolen its goods and found unusual gems.  So when I return to the main quest line I'm like "FUCK THAT'S RIGHT I'M DRAGONBORN, bitches" which in turn reminds me about ALDUIN the evil dragon who is out to get URRBODY.
3. I CAN BUY A HOUSE!  I can see why nerdy people (like me) are super into this kind of game where you build this person who is pretty awesome at something (like maybe they became a BARD at the college, or got super good at MAGICS, or ENCHANTING or became a THIEF or a STORMCLOAK, or a MERCERNARY, or a COMPANION) and then you can make that person form good or maybe bad relationships with other people in the game and it is like you are having a SECOND LIFE.  The only thing different about this and something like let's say, WoW, is that those other people I'm interacting with aren't FOR REAL, they are imaginary and they can stay that way.
4. THE GRAPHICS!  I'm not the kind of person who's like "oh, wow, did you see that pixel? How gross, it was HUGE" or the fact that you could even see a pixel might turn some people away, but it's not me.  So my consensus on how pretty stellar the shit looks on screen is that it is RADICAL.  Especially when I go in with a killer blow using my Orcish Battleaxe and it cuts to what it actually looks like as I beat the crap out of some Falmer.  I'm SUPER into that.
5. DIFFICULTY! So I have it on Novice......because let's be real here, I'm new at this.  That boy I date can swoop in and kill everyone in like 5 seconds whereas I'm like hmm...yeah....so.....thanks for having my back in there (literally) which is why we can't play video games together because he doesn't WAIT for me but in this game he doesn't have to, because I am playing all by myself and it's hard for ME in some parts and in others it's not really but I think that's the point and I can SEE my progress on a progesso meter and it tells me I'm doing REALLY WELL....in most parts.

Ok, so for now, that's all I've got.  I've done likeamillionmorequests so I will have to write about them but for some reason I have some sort of a life this week so I can at least catch up a little. HURRAY!

ps - comment on this shit sometimes ok?!?! so I know people are actually reading it?

Astaldofânwen gets called to High Hrothgar

I really hope I'm not spoiling any of this game for anyone (other than maybe that boy I date who is traveling in India who will eventually play this when he gets back and will also, I'm sure, make completely different decisions about who his character is, thus will play a very different game), but this game is getting EXCITING and I just want to TALK/WRITE about it!

These dudes are THIEVES (and merchants...and could have
been me if I so chose to be a kitty cat)

After speaking with the Jarl about WhateverItWas and bringing the dragonstone back to the magician who was speaking with some friend when I got back in, one of the Warriors came to tell us that there was a DRAGON sighting close to Whiterun and that we need to go KILL IT like right meow (<-- that would be a funnier joke if I was a Khajiit because Khajiit's look like this ^)




Of course I'm like "A DRAGON!?!?!???  I will slay it from the sky and make the earth tremble as it falls stealthily bring it to it's doom with an iron arrow" in an Elven accent that you can totally hear in the game (......not).

I get to the tower and the dragon is HUGE and people are shooting at it and I am hiding behind rocks and shooting it out of the sky like I promised and then it falls LIKE I SAID IT WOULD and dies and then all of a sudden it starts BURNING UP and then THIS HAPPENS!!!!!

 I am literally ABSORBING A DRAGON SOUL, and it is BRIGHT AND SHINY

and I am standing around being like WHAT THE?!?! and people are looking at me with these eyes like what is happening to you?!?! and then all the glowing stops and the chick is like "I never thought I'd see one of you in my lifetime, you must be........A DRAGONBORN"  and then I'm all like:

FOR REAL (also that is very fitting because I am also reading the "A Song of Ice and Fire" Series of Game of Thrones fame).  Of course I have no idea what ANY of this means and I'm meant to go back to the Jarl to tell him what happened and as I'm about to go into his fortress there is this loud THUNDERING and EVERYONE is looking up and I have no idea what's happening until they tell me these dudes with Grey Beards are calling me to their little place on a hilltop somewhere.

I'm supposed to visit these guys to get some ANSWERS because I absorbed some freaky dragon shit and let's be honest here: that could be really awesome, or I could be infected with some scaly poison that will eventually turn ME into a dragon which would be THE AWESOMEST (fingers crossed).

I had to climb 7000 steps to reach these old guys and I asked someone if there was anything I should watch out for while I'm on my way up because it's sort of treacherous and he was nice and said oh no, you shouldn't have to worry at all mostly ice wolves and that's about all.  So I was like awesome, relatively easy climb then, right?

Abominable Snowman

THAT should have been my first clue to BE PREPARED on my climb but I'm suuuuuuper trusting so I COMMENCE and there are wolves and I take their pelts because it comes in handy and I turn a corner and there is AN ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN that looked like this guy<----- 

Picture courtesy of
my friend Mike VanKuipers

Except he really looked more like this guy over here ---->

he also didn't look as happy.  But I killed him with the flames I found in my hands and then hit him with my battleaxe and he died.  PHEW!

So then the Greybeards told me I was the first Dragonborn in (insert some long period of time here) and that I will learn the intricacies of THE SHOUT.  Apparently people need lifelong training to master that stuff but I think these dudes forget that I'm a GIRL and I'm pretty adept at shouting.  But also this Dragonborn thing means I absorb some power from dragons when I kill then and that helps my ability to shout too...I guess.

Awesome.  So now I'm special. DRAGONS BEWARE OF MY STEALTHY BOW.

Something FUNNY

Sometimes that is TRULY how I feel.  You need the armor because let's face it, as if you're above protecting your face, but then you can't see any of the war markings or dirt on your face or ANYTHING and it is sad because you want people to see those things (because that matters).  Also....I did spend a million years making my character.  URGH.

also i found this meme and thought it was really funny:

ALSO, I almost peed myself when I saw this meme........because it is hilarious.

and last but not least of the funny:

Companionship and Chaurus

Jorrvaskr, house of the Companions

As history has told me (and, I realize, because I am the kind of player that wants to talk to EVERY SINGLE PERSON which is also why I have a million quests (but also because that's the way the game is made (and also I'm using SO MANY PARENTHESES))), Whiterun was built around Jorrvaskar, the big house of the Companions.

Basically everyone who talks about this group in the game speaks highly of their ability to fight, and most of all, they work as a group WITHOUT A LEADER (how they do that effectively I'm not quite sure but it's a neat idea).  Why not join them right?  yeah, I thought so too.  They seem pretty neutral in this whole "civil war" stuff that's going on right now.  But life's questions will catch up with me soon (like do I make BEEF STEW or VENISON????).

Now in order to really become a companion I have to clear Shimmermist Cave of its leader which was one of the first "real" side quests I had to do and please note that I was half way into being at level 3 and I was like I AM BAD ASS, LEVEL 3 BITCHES!  and I was WRONG my friends....so so so wrong.  First you get into the cave and there are glowing mushrooms and weird eggs for these things called Chaurus and you're like weird I don't see any I guess they haven't hatched yet.  The cave is a little daunting - right?

So you keep walking and then all of a sudden there are these CREEPY THINGS called Falmers.  Do you remember that movie The Descent where those people go into this unexplored cave and find out there are these weird creatures that will eat EVERYONE and that can see in the dark?  Like this:

Well Falmers basically look like THAT but with armor and bows and arrows and shields that they will ATTACK YOU WITH.  But it's fine because I get past them fine, it's no big deal, it takes a couple swings of my BattleAxe but they die, it's all good.

BUT THEN I fall into this CHAURUS pit and those things are like big cockroaches mixed with scorpions that spit out this black stuff that does SOMETHING to you and they are tough because their shell is like armor and I KEPT DYING because I had no idea how to kill them effectively and so you know what I did?

I RAN BACK OUT THE WAY I CAME.  You heard me.  I'm a scaredy cat (errr...elf).  So then I did what any good person would do, I looked online to see what I was doing wrong and the internet advised me that I probably should go in there when I'm a higher level and that would probably be better because that shit is hard.

I'll be back, Falmers, I'll be back.  Those Chaurus won't know what hit them.

LOOK AT THIS THING! IT"S A FUCKING CHAURUS

Astaldofânwen has TOO MANY QUESTS

Last I left off, which was probably about 6 playing hours ago (like I said, my boyfriend is gone for TWO MONTHS and I bought this game, and it is MINE so of course I'm going to play it alldayeveryday), I was lost on my way to Whiterun and found myself killing Harkers.

Since then I fast traveled (thank goodness) back to Riverwood and found THE REAL WAY to Whiterun and got there and it was such a big place and there were people EVERYWHERE and things for me to do and LESSONS TO BE LEARNED.

I met this lady who taught me how to use the forge and such and then there was a hunting shop and people worshipping Thalos (which is apparently not allowed) and vegetable girls getting harrassed by singers (basically like real life), and family feuds like the Montagues and the Capulets (except for these are the Battle-Borns and Grey-Manes), and COMPANIONS and Imperial soldiers everywhere, and WIZARDS and ALCHEMISTS, and SO MANY THINGS.

As you can imagine I was a little overwhelmed, I beat up the singer, joined the Companions, agreed to help the Grey Manes figure out where their missing guy is (apparently he's joined the Stormcloaks), said I would clear the Falmers out of Shimmermist Cave (what a mistake that was), brought a sword to the Jarl's Steward, TALKED TO THE JARL HIMSELF, who pointed me to his magician, who said he needed the dragonstone from a different cave and then I met a lot of Daugr and met a big FROSTBITE SPIDER, and now there is ANOTHER DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!

sorry......I need a minute to breathe.  After watching this video I realized that I could do that! and I burnt a wolf:

Yum Yum Tum Tum

Some might wonder how I prepare for hours worth of questing and fighting skeevers and Daugr.....well my friends, THIS IS HOW:

This beautiful concoction that you're looking at is really more like a poorly made omelette.  But let me tell you what I did:

4 eggs
sliced celery
tomato
onions
carrot
bacon
rosemary
thyme
basil

Basically I just cut all that shit up and put it in a pan, cooked it, and then SCARFED THAT MOTHER DOWN before settling in with a nice cup of coffee to play.  Afternoon delight of champions friends....because let's not kid ourselves.  I don't get out of bed until noon.

ALSO, my friend Nathan sent me the link for THIS video, which amused me to no end, but also is making me want to make this souffle.....and the butterbeer, and the lembas bread (mainly because it is wrapped in BACON).  HILAR(ious).

Astaldofânwen gets REALLY lost

This is me....in a snow storm....and NOT where I'm supposed to be

This is going to be a very embarrassing post BUT it's no secret that I don't play video games on a regular basis (except for recently) and navigating maps that are on a tv screen and not real life is not one of my strong points (apparently).

To recap, Alvar asked me to go to Whiterun and as I explained in my previous post........I wasn't happy with his apparent deception about its relative closeness to Riverwood.  You see, he said something along the lines of "Beautiful Wood Elf, you need to tell the Jarl of Whiterun about the DRAGON and it is but a hop skip and a jump if you go North, you can't miss it."

So about an hour and a half of RUNNING NORTH later and battling WOLVES and HARKERS (which by the way...are walruses and they are LARGE) and travelling through the extremely cold mountains and having thieves give me things and hunters wanting them and BETRAYAL, I found myself........COMPLETELY LOST.

I don't mean lost in the "hmm, I'm not quite sure where I'm going" sort of way, but in the "I went in the complete opposite direction of where I was supposed to go and now I'm swimming and the screen keeps telling me that "I cannot go that way" (what kind of BS is that?......unless these people still think that the earth is flat who knows)" sort of way. URGH.

Just to show you where I was (this is MY actual game map)  Do you see the little Arrow like thing on the far right of the screen?  That's where I was LOST.  See the little house thing at the bottom of the screen?  That's Riverwood.  Oh...and Whiterun?  That little blue marker you see to the left of Riverwood ....THAT's WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

BUT in the meantime of my completely misdirected wanderings I came across Beam-ja and Salma who were looking for something in this tomb where there were ZOMBIES and FROSTBITE SPIDERS and DOUBLE CROSSING.  As far as I could understand, in this tomb there was supposed to be a whole lot of treasure and the weird reptile and Salma had been together forever trying to find it and asked me to come along.  Why not - right?  WHAT A MISTAKE (for Beam-ja, that is, to invite me, anyway, since I foiled ALL HIS PLANS).

What were they, you ask?  he actually wanted ALL OF THE POWER of the guy in this tomb which needed a blood sacrifice and his brilliant plan was to bleed Salma to death (really guy?  Could you not be more original?  Give a girl a break!).  So we finally get there, Beam-ja goes all double-crossy, and I kill him.  Then Salma wants to be alone which sucks because honestly after all that travelling and the snow storm and almost being killed kind of made me hope we might make out a little (WHAT?!?!?! wouldn't you?).

I got fed up being lost this mornings so I gave up trying to find my way back and fast travelled all the way back to Riverwood and realized Alvar said to follow the WATERFALL across the river and I definitely didn't do that and then I found Whiterun and the rest is restored to happiness.

Also, until last night, I didn't know you could jump in this game.  And then I found the triangle button.

Running to Riverrun

My belly was full and my new friend from Helgen and I fled for Riverwood to warn the PEOPLE about there being a DRAGON on the loose and ruining everyone's fun (being used as a relative term because getting my head chopped off wasn't really fun for me).

We ran and ran, and then we stopped to kill a RANDOM DOG (or three) (or maybe they were wolves) that were attacking us and howling at the sun or whatever.  All the while Hadvar (my friend has a name) is talking my ear off about the "StormCloaks" and how he is of the Imperial Army or something and that I should join because their cause is good and one of the IMPORTANT people who was supposed to get his head cut off in Helgen was actually this guy ULFRIC WHO IS EVIL (apparently?) and who is leader of some rebellion and the stormycloak dudes were all his accomplices.

Also Hadvar is telling me that this new General something has only been in command for two MONTHS while their last General was trying to catch Ulfric for TWO YEARS so this new guy must be some kind of genius right?

This is where I, as in me, the person actually playing the game, not my avatar, Astaldofânwen, who is probably none the wiser, is SUSPECTING things about this new General.  Why was Ulfric captured so quickly?  Maybe Ulfric WANTED to be captured.  Maybe the Gen and Ully (I like that better) are in CAHOOTS together (as my gee-ma would say) and planning some evil plot...plan.....thing.....for the KING.  I don't know if I've been told that there is a king but this game has DRAGONS so there's got to be a King of some sort right?  I have no idea I haven't played OBLIVION so I wouldn't know.


Sotocontinuefinally.......We run into Riverwood to see Hadvar's uncle, Alvor, for some reason or another.  Mostly to use his forge to forge my own weapons....which I didn't think about at the time I was too interested in taking his carrots and apparently stealing a wooden bowl to think that it would be a good idea to have something better than just an IRON SWORD.  Looking back that was STUPID. 

Anywert (in the words of Raych, who is of the hilarious kind) Alvar told me I should go to Whiterun and that it was "just North over the hill" or something and I can say that right now I am not liking his deception (more on this at a time that is not now).  Hadvar again encourages my joining the Imperial Army and I say I'll think about it.

I set on my way to Whiterun discovering all of these ruined houses and get into strange situations like this creep Cisero who has THE MOST ANNOYING VOICE EVAR, seriously, a clip?  THIS is what happened and I don't like this guy:
(please note that this is a clip from youtube and that my wood elf is way hotter than this person's character but I also like that they have posted this so that I can share my annoyance with you)

I just told the guard that I didn't know what Cisero was carrying in that coffin (please...your mother?  get a better story, Joker), and I think he arrested him but I got the monies from Loreius and that was alright.

So far I still don't know what I'm doing.  I'm meeting Stormcloaks on the road who are telling me to JOIN THEM but they aren't killing me (I think it's because I'm a hawt Wood Elf, personally) so now I'm all torn and confused (STORMCLOAKS OR IMPERIAL ARMY WHAT WILL I DO?!!?!?!).

hrmph.

The time Astaldofânwen almost gets her head chopped off

Oh hey there.  I don't have anything better to do over the next two months (unless I miraculously get employed) so how better to spend my time than playing SKYRIM and eating delicious treats - right?  I mean, I'm going to be a teacher and all the children will be talking about this so I have to know what they're talking about right?

I've been putting off buying Skyrim all week because I had a French Assessment exam today and my need for studying was of the important variety and I did not want to give into temptation (as tempting as it was).

After being told that I failed (in my opinion, please note, not the final verdict) the oral portion of the test I headed straight to my nearest Best Buy to pee and reminded myself that TODAY IS THE DAY that I will release my bladder and BUY SKYRIM.

I came home, opened a bag of Spicy ketchup flavoured Ruffle Chips (by the way - they said it was a new flavour and they are LIARS, that shit is ALL DRESSED no matter what they market it as), and turned on the PS3.  I'm all alone right now and the crazy orc-like chanting in the background sort of freaked me out (and sort of made me think of LOTR) but mostly just freaked me out.

The controls are confusing for me because I'm still just getting used to them BUT I found myself in a cart! on my way to SOMEWHERE but my hands were TIED and people were talking about how innocent they were and there was obviously a really intense guy that the other dudes in the cart were talking about being...well....important?  I'm obviously captured, I don't know why but all I'm thinking is "BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN CUSTOMIZED MY CHARACTER YET."

We get to the place where all the prisoners are supposed to get out and they do some sort of roll call as if we're in the army (do they really care WHO we are?  They're about to kill us anyway).  BUT they didn't know who I was and THIS is where I got to customize my radical character.

I've always wanted to be an elf (mainly because Legolas would be pretty cool to make out with) so WOOD ELF it was and my skin was made dark and I had dirt on my face and super dark hair and war paint on my face and pointy ears and weird red eyes.  I have named her Astaldofânwen because I asked the google for some good elf names and there was a generator and I used it.  Also, the "wen" bit is like "Arwen" and I'm down with that too.

So Astaldofânwen looks up at some noises and a MASSIVE BLACK DRAGON like this one:

attacks and people are burned and houses are wrecked and my hands are STILL annoyingly bound so I'm running around and following this guy who was about to KILL ME because he can help me?  I'm a wood elf and I'm really trusting (apparently) but it pays off because he cuts the ropes from my hand and we run to some place where he knows people and we can be safe.

More things happened but now I'm going to eat dinner because it is 8pm and I am HUNGRY because fake spice-ketchup-really-all-dressed chips do NOT satisfy my belly especially after being chased by a dragon and almost getting my HEAD CUT OFF.  Hard life, being a Wood Elf.