On News and Thieving

I got SO BAD at this and I apologize.  Not to sound conceited or anything (although, my family used to tell me "of all the conceit in our family, I think Jessica got most of it" - thanks for boosting it guys), but I re-read my blog sometimes and I think I'm HILARIOUS.  Mostly because I have context and during the sometimes 5 hour stints of me playing Skyrim I am in a constant state of inner laughter.  Regardless of all that, it's among one of the main reasons I actually play this shit.

This is something I wrote MONTHS ago.....and I thought it was still fairly true today and fitting for this post:

WOWZA.  I have been playing this game for TWO MONTHS and I'm not even CLOSE to finishing.  I think I mentioned this before but I think I average about 10 hours of playing a week, so let's approximate and say that I've spent 72 hours Climbing in people's windows and snatching their people up (don't forget to hide your kids and hide your wife....and your husband...because I'm pickpocketing ERRY-ONE out there).  That is THREE WHOLE DAYS of my life spent helping the citizens of Skyrim and basically saving their asses left right and center.
Without me, who would have taken Meridia's Beacon from the clutches of the evil Falmer in Shimmermist Cave?  Who would have Spread the Love of Mara around Skyrim? 

Me, waiting in line for the Keynote at PAX Prime West in Seattle

And may I add that my playing time has amounted to at least 5 days now?  and I haven't even played for two whole months because I've been in other countries where video games like STARCRAFT and LEAGUE OF LEGENDS are a big deal (neither of which I understand the fascination of in the slightest).


A lot has happened since the days of old as I become more than the girlfriend who plays one video game (which happens to be THE video game), and closer to the girl who starts to play Dungeons and Dragons with a regular D&D group and plays multiple video games and goes to video gaming conventions.  WUT!  Apparently it's been in me all along and I'm not ashamed.

Regardless of my newly attained video game prowess, I want to talk to you a little bit about my favorite questline in Skyrim.  Do you want to guess before I tell it to you?!?!?!  huh? Do ya? No?  Well you're no fun.

It's the Thieves Guild Questline.  You guys it is SO MUCH FUN, and intriguing, and ghostly, and, in my opinion, the best thought-out.  The last time I talked about my adventures in thiefdom was in this post of yore where I disclosed that Maven Blackbriar was the largest (and really only) client and that SOME SNEAKY MOM (or just person.....we had yet to find out) was slowly trying to shut her down and close her out of business.  For instance, the Goldenglow Estate where Maven got all her honey from for her Meadery was going to no longer supply it to her! WHAT THE EFF, so I warned the owner by burning down some bee hives and sneaking into the estate to find an interesting letter with a curious symbol on it.  Very curious indeed.

Maven asks to speak to me DIRECTLY, which, you guys, is SCARY because she's an intense lady who has waaaayyyy too much power over the peeps of Riften, and she wants to talk to ME.  Like I said, I'm a popular gal who gets invited to parties and the such and whatnot.  I talk to Maven like a civilized adult and she tells me that her competition up at the Hunningbrew Meadery outside of Whiterun somehow got a shitload of money and is in direct competition with Blackbriar Meadery.  Apparently she doesn't take to competition too well (as we've realized with the event I like to call "The Burning of the Bees") and she wants me to do something about it.

As if I have a choice, I agree to helping her out for a pretty sum and head to Whiterun to execute the plan.  Right now Hunningbrew has a skeever infestation (which I will agree is a thousand times worse than something like a cockroach or silverfish infestation).  I'm to find the nest and apply the poison said nest.  In doing so, I also have access to the brewing pots for the Mead and will put some gross shit in them to make the Mead taste disgusting and dirty so that when it gets tested by some eager investors they will drink the yuck and condemn the Hunningbrew dude and his mead therefore turning them towards the Blackbriar Meadery instead.  It's a pretty brilliant plan if you ask me, and, as you can imagine, worked like a charm, aside from the weird wizardy dude named Hamelyn that I met in the cave by the skeever nest who was batshit crazy forging a skeever army because he was upset about some people "wronging" him.  Give me a break.  I had to pull out some magic there and literally fire his ass so I could get to the nest and kill the skeevers.  What a pain in my backside.  I also stole a promissory note that contained the SAME symbol as that of the one found in Goldenglow Estate......curiouser and curiouser.

Regardless of all this, one common link is this dude name Gulum-Ei who often helps with thieves guild-y type things so I follow him to where he is actually sometimes stealing goods from the guild which by the way is an ass hole move, and I confront him about what all this is about.  He reveals to me that the person behind all this hullabaloo is a lady named KARLIAH.  At this point, the name means absolutely nothing to me, it's like, that moment where I *should* have some sort of jaw-dropping awe-ish reaction, but because I have no idea who the fuck he's talking about I'm like aiight and peace the scene.

Heading back to the thieves guild, I find out Karliah was a previous member of the guild, very close to both Mercer and the old guildmaster Gallus.  She also was the person who purportedly KILLED Gallus and now is planning on doing the same to Mercer Frey.  In other words, this sneaky lady is trying to shut down the thieves guild for good with her skeeving ways  and we're all not too happy about that.

So what are we going to do now? track her down? feed her to the wolves? cast a spell?  My questions were more like: what on earth does this chick have to gain from killing all these people?  Why would she resurface now after all this time?  Why am I the one who keeps getting chosen for all these high profile thieves guild quests when there are other people who are pretty high up in the seniority bit that might like some fame?

Want the answers?  CHECK BACK NEXT TIME BECAUSE THIS BLOG POST IS TOO FUCKING LONG.  I love you, but seriously all this typing is giving me a hand cramp.  UNTIL NEXT TIME, don't let anyone steal your sweet rolls.

Did ya miss me?

Let me just say that somehow over the course of a few months I regained some sort of a social/working life and have since ignored my duties of posting all of the exciting adventures I've had.  Did you miss me?  I kind of missed this.

A sneak peak into the catching up I will do now that school is done and I am back to being unemployed for the time being:

• I killed some skeevers and poisoned some beer and framed a dude.
• There are a million conspiracies against ALL the different groups in Skyrim.
• I became a prominent landowner in almost every town.
• I am a poet, likeable to shakespeare.
• I "listen" very carefully.
• Skyrim is glitchy as shit, but still it's super fun?
• There is a fucking CASTLE IN THE SKY.
• A lot of homeboys/girls want to marry me (who can blame them?)
• The time I turned green and became a cow.
• Plants sing songs and come in crimson colours!
• Mediating civil wars is NOT all it's cracked up to be.
• I'm still not fucking done the game......

This isn't even the half of it.  

My friend Laurel is going to disown me, but I love this shit.

Stay tuned!  same bat time, same bat channel.

Astaldofânwen: Skyrim's Best Matchmaker and Agent of Love

I'm really not the kind of person who gets extra sappy around Valentine's Day because I eat chocolate all the time anyway.  But THIS YEAR that guy I date was galavanting in his motherland during V-Day and I was feeling sappy.  So what did I do?!?!?!?!

WHY, I made my character visit the Temple of Mara in Riften, of course.  I met up with Dinya my homegirl at the temple, and she was all "Would you like to be an agent of Mara and spread her love around Skyrim?" to which I replied "EFF YA IT'S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!" 

My first task:  Set up two young lovers in Ivarsted.  I fly over to Ivarsted, a white winged cherub with a heart tipped arrow, and meet Fastred.  Fastred is nicely harvesting the plants in her family's garden and there's a look of sadness in her eye.  you know, the look one might get when told they're not allowed to love the one you love.  Talk about Romeo and Juliet!  Farsted has fallen in love with Bassianus (who I'm not really into to be honest) but her father HATES HIM.  She's all "you NEED to talk to my father for me" and I'm like urgh fine...I'll do it....

Bassianus, just chillin, y'know how it is

Since I obviously am such an authority on the matter, I would rather have her rekindle her love with Klimmek, whom I did a favor for before learning "The Way of The Voice" up in High Hrothgar (even though he is a bit older than Fastred, but love knows no age limits (except in real life, where she's probably really only 16)).  UNFORTUNATELY, I looked around for Klimmek everywhere to switch that shit up, but couldn't find him and got annoyed so BASSIANUS IT IS.  I have so much power, you know? (I think it's my "honeyed words").

Basically, I'm good at matchmaking and I got Bassianus and Fastred together and they happily flee to Riften (so basically they rushed away to thief central which is cool because I need to increase my pickpocketing skills).

My next task on the way to becoming an "agent of Mara" is to get OldMagicGuy Calcemo together with the Housecarl of Markarth's Jarl (yarl, carl, rarl......I have no idea what I'm saying), Faleen.  She's pretty rad, I've spoken with her before, and Calcemo, well, he's old fashioned but not a smooth talker like me.  Calcemo urges me to find out what Faleen likes (sweet rolls? missionary?  S&M?) so clearly I talk to her best friend, Yngvar.  Poor Calcemo, Yngvar isn't a bad looking dude (if you're into that sorta thing) so I'm really surprised by his willingness to help out!   He says, as cold as Faleen looks on the outside, she actually REALLY loves POETRY!!!  This girl has got some taste.  Not only does he give me this little bit of information but he also provides a poem he wrote for some girl that he can change to be for Faleen (but not without a price, argh). But read it isn't it CUTE?!?!?!

A missive: from Calcelmo to Faleen

My lover's heart is numbing stone

That hides in ice beneath our sight.

So some decry, "It is not there,"

While others whisper, "Yet, it might."

Though stone is born from fevered ash,

Once formed it yields no whiff of heat.

So too, her heart betrays no love,

Nor comforts those embracing it.

As mountains grow and yearn for sky,

Then climbers, conquering, ascend.

With chisel, rope, with axe and pick,

They force the rock to yield to them.

One peak stands proud amidst the range,

Invincible, and scaled by none.

Those men who try wash down her slopes;

Their eye-born streams obliquely run.

For brash assault could never pierce

Those guarded depths that lay apart.

But patient water gently shapes

A furtive channel to the heart.

My love is delving water, ice

That cracks with cycles of the sun.

A lapping, yearning, whispered plea

Will mark the time 'til I rush in.

For I have dwelt among the rocks,

My city carved from rugged stone.

So in that burrow I will creep,

And warm the soul which makes my home.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!  Let's just say, that worked like a charm!

So now that I've made Fastred make up her mind and turned Calcemo into Shakespeare it's time I bring a couple together who have been drifting apart......pretty literally.  See this couple were around AGES ago, and died unfortunately while looking for each other.  Condemned to never knowing what happened as spirit form, it's my job to bring them together.

You see, I didn't really want to kill anyone during this quest, but I begrudgingly had to walk past a DRAGON circling a Mammoth and that was just annoying because you basically have no choice but to kill the thing in the meantime.  No rest for the Dragonborn, so it goes.

BUT WHATEVER, I got the man with the fiery beard and his little bonnet woman together and they lived (in death) happily ever after!  They even floated up in the sky like two cute hollographic ghosty guys.  Good for them.  I'm a champion.

AWESOME, now I'm an "Agent of Mara" which means I have +15 Magic Resistance.....WERD UP.

Moral of the Story:  It pays to be a lover, man.

Skyrim's Thieves Guild - My Kinda People

It's no surprise that my last post about the Erotica I found in Haelga's room (and in newer news, on the shelf in one of the breweries too) is the most read post on my blog.  Who doesn't like sexy times?  I was visiting my Aunt and Uncle over the weekend and he was telling me how nerdy I am for posting about sex in my blog while he's got his headphones on and is swearing at some 16 year olds while he's playing WoW.  As he taught my 3 year old cousin to say - "Cool Story Bro."

I have definitely been logging more playing hours than WRITING hours...which is probably not good for business BUT THIS GAME IS SO EXCITING!!!!

Interestingly, the second most viewed post is the one where I talk about FOOD.  So I will do that again and then tell you how I proceeded to burn some bee hives.

FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS BEAUTY OF A BREAKFAST

That, my friends, is roasted bell pepper (of the red variety) with an EGG in the middle of it.  Complete with some Kicking Horse Coffee (Kick Ass) and a little salt, pepper, and chilli powder.  GENIUS.

That prepared me for a THIEVES GUILD quest.  This quest line is becoming one of my favorites (aside from the COMPANIONS one and I found out something EXCITING there but I don't want to ruin it because it was just so cool!).  Have I even told you about the thieves guild?!?!?!  They are a group of dudes and dudettes who are into pickpocketing and stealing and cunning and run Riften under the noses of the Jarl.  What a group!  I love 'em.  I first had to show that I'm worth their time by telling a bunch of punks to pay up.  I had to throw a statue around and break some urn and basically just be badass and finally Brynjolf was all like "great work, the thieves guild is BACK IN ACTION"

But what do you mean BACK in action?  As it turns out the thieves guild's biggest client is Maven Blackbriar, the lady in charge of the Blackbriar Meadery and things are happening that are slowly shutting her down.  We don't know what exactly...but one thing is for sure:  The dude who owns Goldenglow Estate has SOLD his property which means they are NOT going to be supplying the necessary shit for making the MEAD (and the mead is SO important...obvs).  My mission, which I totally chose to take, was to intimidate the guy and burn THREE bee hives to say "HEY BITCH WE'RE SERIOUS" and then steal some things from the estate.

THE BEE HIVES!  I had to swim and get to the little island and BEAT UP SOME DUDES with arrows.  Like I said in previous posts, I think I'm AWESOME and I was able to stealthily kill a lot of the guys protecting the place and with the flames from my hand I was able to SET THAT SHIT ON FIIIIIIIIIIRRRE!!!!!!!  Like THIS ---->

WOOOP WOOOP.  I got the deed from the house and there was this WEIRD symbol on it....so I don't know.  There is definitely some one plotting the demise of the Thieves Gild.  Which is sad because I am really liking being a part of their little gang.  They're some kind of alright.  They're like a family so I'm going to continue to help them out.  I'm a sucker for the badasses, y'know?

Skyrim's More...Sultry Likings

Riften is an interesting place.  There are a lot of people and a lot of thieving and other interesting things going down.  I'm really finding all of the politics and inner workings of all the different cities the most interesting about this game because there is A LOT of drama.

In Riften there is this "bunkhouse" which is for the workers of Riften to stay in while they're working in the fisheries or whateverhaveyou and the lady who runs it is Haelga.  She is this cute little blonde number and although she says "if you're looking for a place to stay go to the Bee and Barb and get a room" (the local pub) I can still stay in her bunkhouse on an unused bed for free.  HURRAY!

But doesn't Haelga look like a vixen?  You're right, I didn't think so either.  She has a statue of Dibella in her entranceway which isn't strange because Dibella is the goddess of love and beauty (The Skyrim Venus, if you will) and there are Dibellan statues in almost every pretty lady's place.

Haelga isn't a very friendly person she's sort of hard and cold and this can be backed up by her maid, Svana.  Not only is Svana her maid, but she's Haelga's niece as well.  She's pretty bitter about the way Haelga's been treating her so she imparts to me a little secret. 

Apparently Haelga is QUITE the town bicycle.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  I know, right?  DRAMA IN THE BUNKHOUSE.  I had NO idea Skyrim would be so gossipy!  The reason Svana gave me this little tidbit of information is because she wants me to seek out the people Haelga has slept with and CONFRONT Haelga about her looseness.  Just to tone her down a bit and to make her be nicer to Svana.  Sure, I'm always into a little blackmail. 

Haelga has given all the men she sleeps with "the mark of dibella" - this cute little jewel to our left.  I'm supposed to go rustle up the dudes who have slept with her and get those things back and that's my proof that I know she's slept with those guys. 

I won't get into all the raunchy details......but ALL of the guys she's been sleeping with are MARRIED...and not to Haelga!  SCANDALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS WHOLE QUEST is not even the best part.  In Haelga's room in the bunkhouse I found the GEM OF GEMS.  I don't mean literal treasure, I mean something hilarious that still makes me laugh out loud today.

I found:  SKYRIM EROTICA.  I'm not kidding.  You know those reallllly sultry scenes in some books.....well THIS....this is something to behold.  It made my likeness for this game increase EXPONENTIALLY.  I will impart this video to you of some guy reading it out because it is easier than me reading it out, videoing, and then posting.  TAKE A LOOK. (I highly encourage you to take a look).

SERIOUSLY EVERYONE....The Lusty Argonian Maid?!?!?  How is that NOT brilliant? 

Skyrim's Ratways: A guide to Riften

Do you remember way back wheneverthatwas when I talked about how EXCITED I was to go to Riften?  Because I had heard so much about it and I need my jewels to be appraised!

My main purpose of coming to Riften though:  FINDING ESBERN.  In said post above I couldn't quite remember his name but he was important and YES, he is actually important.  He's the leader of THE BLADES, you know, those people who are supposed to protect and talk about the Dragonborn....and the Dragonborn.....who is that again? OH RIGHT! IT'S ME! HURRAY!

Off to Riften I go.  It is DARK and DREARY there.  It's like there's no moment where it's not foggy.  Riften is a pretty cool settlement because it's on a lake and there are all of these docks and A LOT of people.  I am looking at this picture and I'm like....huh.....I have not been to like half the places in that picture and I've been trolling around Riften for a long time....EFF.  Now I'm going to have to figure it all out.

Riften, as I've learned, is home to the Thieves Guild and there are MANY mixed emotions about this.  Some people are IN the guild so they're like yeah, werd, this shit is great, and others are like "GUILD PFFT, they don't have the right to be called that" or something similar.

I meet these two characters, Mjoll the Lioness and Aerin, and they are both seemingly good people.  Mjoll is pretty badass and kind of breaks down gender stereotypes because she's a well travelled warrior who got ill and was nursed back to health by Aerin who told her of the shit going down in Riften so she vowed to save the town.  She is not stoked on the thieves guild.  I hope she might be a contender for my love at some point...I would totally consider her as a life partner.

RIGHT, so I'm trying to find ESBERN, and peeps in the pub say I should check the RATWAYS.  SWA?  They are underneath Riften and a little freaky.  They tell me that THALMOR (seriously, these guys are ridiculous Elves...just give up already, I'm the DRAGONBORN) are running around the Ratways trying to find some person so I should be careful.  When am I not careful you guys?  I mean REALLY.

I don't know how I'm feeling about all of this creeping around.  Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed by HAVING TOO MANY QUESTS or because I am playing this game because I'm sad and unemployed.....or ALL OF THE ABOVE.  PLUS the ratway is skingy....like skingier than all of the caves I've been in.

BUT ALAS, INTO THE RATWAYS I GO!  Peeps were right there are Thalmor bitches everywhere.  WHATEVS, I'll shoot them with my arrows and my stealth-sneak-attackalack.

Esbern was hiding in a pretty secure little place with bolts on the door and the such.  Because that will keep him away from DRAGONS....right?  SO I told him....ESBERN........I am your father......KIDDING! I said I'm the DRAGONBORN and Delphine sent me so in other words, come with me if you want to live.

PHEW.  Now we have to go to some precious place called Alduin's Wall and I am a little nervous about that :S  TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!

Skyrim: A OneMonthAnniversary Post

HOLY SHIT BALLS!  It is my OneMonthAnniversary of purchasing Skyrim and playing it and then writing about it. Can you believe it?  AND I'M NOT EVEN MAD....that's amazing! (sorry.....Anchorman joke)

I'm not even mad

I still don't know how to check to see how many hours I've played the game but I'm guessing on a WHOLE LOT because I have an assignment that is actually two days late that I need to hand in and mostly the reason is Skyrim (but is also me reading and having more French Tests and finding a job etc)...but MOSTLY Skyrim.

ALSO, I am POPULAR, you know, for being hilarious and writing about Skyrim because in one whole month people are READING this blog.  Like 986 people.  THAT'S ALMOST 1000!!!!!!  I don't know if it's 1000 actual people.....but my blog has been viewed that many times and in my head I want to say that's almost the same thing.  But really, I have 17 posts, so if each post was read once by a person then that would mean that realistically only 58 people are reading this which isn't that many but ALMOST A THOUSAND VIEWS....that's pretty good right?

ANYWERT - to commemorate this event I entered into a DRINKING CONTEST!!!!!!  I had some friends over to drink (in real life) and I was playing Skyrim before they came over and thought I'd show off by entering into this drinking contest just as they got here.  GREAT, right?!?!

Sam invites me to join him in a drinking contest

I was in Riften and hanging out in the Bee and Barb, you know, like any casual day in Riften, and this guy Sam was sitting there.  Being the extremely inquisitive wood elf I am I decided to talk to him.  Then he CHALLENGES me.  To a DRINKING contest.  As if I could turn that down.  I won second place in PUB GOLF......so basically this is a no-brainer.  He promised me some "staff" if I won and I clearly won...but by drinking only THREE drinks...how ridiculous....I could drink this guy under the table ANY DAY.

THEN, the screen went BLACK and I woke up all of a sudden in some place I've never been before!  It's a place called Markarth and man oh man I am CONFUSED apparently I'm in some temple of Dibella and this lady is yelling at me and I have a HEAD ACHE (effin mead).  I had to tell my friends, who don't play ANY video games....ever....except for mario kart on wii or something, that this was NOT expected.  I thought I would get drunk and stumble around and maybe start seeing things like when you drink that weird potion in Uncharted 3 and then you'd go to sleep and just be sub-par the next day.

So the lady in the temple is telling me I made a mess and I'm a big jerk and I need to clean up and I'm all "Where's Sam?  Where's my staff?" and she's all, BITCH YOU MADE A MESS.  CLEAN THAT UP.  I was unimpressed but I humoured her.  Anything that would make her stop yelling at me.

I'm asking all over town which is on a cliff and is REALLY confusing to get around because it's ALL CLIFFS

 It's really pretty......but it's intense.  ALSO, on my way I got SIDETRACKED into a haunted house but that's for another day.

AllThePeople kept telling me that the "sam guy" I was with went to Rorikstead...so I should go there.  So I did that.....and got told that apparently I STOLE A GOAT.  I am up to ridiculous shenanigans when drunk in Skyrim apparently.  Not only did I steal this goat but I SOLD it....to a GIANT.  So I had to go get it back.  That was easy enough but when I came back to GoatGuy he told me I bought a WEDDING RING in Whiterun.

WHOA WHOA WHOA.  WEDDING RING?!?!?!   I know I'm wearing the Amulet of Mara and all the ladies (and gents) should know I'm available, but to get engaged WITHOUT ME KNOWING (errr...remembering....shit...this is embarrassing).  I am getting to the bottom of this.

Ysolda in Whiterun tells me that if I'm not going to get married anymore she wants the ring back.....SERIOUSLY, I hate having to clean up after myself  She told me to go to Witchmist Grove where my fiancée lives and that sounds vaguely familiar.  I HAVE been there before so luckily I get to fastrackalack over there and I run into THIS looker:

Can you say MEAD GOGGLES?!?!?!  This bitch is one gross lady.  And she wants to CONSUMMATE OUR MARRIAGE.......I am NOT into that.....so I pummel her with my warhammer and take the ring away.  I gave it back to Ysolda and she told me where to find Sam......

A pearly white bit turns up and I end up at yet ANOTHER tea party except for in this one Sam reveals himself as Sanguine, a Daedric Prince who revels in debauchery....so he's all about passion and the CHAOS it can create.  He at least holds his side of the bargain, and gave me the Sanguine Rose staff.

WHAT A GUY!!!!

Now that my cyberheadache is gone I am TOTALLY READY TO DO IT AGAIN.

BRING IT DAEDRIC PRINCES!!!!!

Skyrim: The ruiner of Relationships, or Being a Gamer's Girlfriend

I want to dedicate this post to ALL the girlfriends of gamers out there.  You know, the ladies who sit on the other end of the couch (or another couch alltogether) while their significant other is playing Mass Effect, or the lady who is impatiently waiting at a table for two while her boyfriend is just finishing that last quest, or the woman who goes to bed at 12:30am because she has to work in the morning and has had her sexual advances turned down because her boyfriend was busy falling out of an airplane or assassinating some priest.

But really - what's a guy to do?  Or a GAL, in my case.  There are those couples where the guy is super into this stuff and the girl looks like that lady above being all like "Seriously John Smith....you prematurely ejaculated on purpose just to make it to your raid on time?", and then there are girls who are like me that think it's radical their dudes are into this stuff and aren't entirely foreign to the world of gaming, and then there are the girls who are SUPER into gaming and know a lot more than me because they've been gaming since they were fetuses.


That guy I date always tells me how awesome I am for a lot of reasons:  My taste in music is really great, I am super into comics/graphic novels (and you throw in a little fairy tale in there I'm HOOKED), I know the parts/engineering under the hood of my car and can also fix some of them myself, I can change a tire, and up until now, I idly sat by while he played video games and he was stoked that I wasn't ^ that girl.

But now I'm finding myself in a situation that a lot of guys are in.  MY girlfriends aren't understanding my recent obsession/possession of SKYRIM.  A girlfriend of mine called me last month before I started playing and I asked her about the guy she had been sleeping with:

Me: SO, how are things with whatshisname?

J: Oh ummm, I'm not sure, he hasn't called or texted me in like two weeks.

Me: What?! Why?

J: Well, the last time we hung out he went to the store and bought skyrim, then we went home, had sex, and I came home.  I haven't heard from him since.

SOUND FAMILIAR TO ANYONE!??!?!!  I'm pretty sure that resonates with a few people entering into a new thing or whatever it is.  I also had another situation when I was out drinking with a guy friend I hadn't seen in a while:

Me: So Joe, What's new?

Joe: Not too much.

Joe's friend: HEY, is your girlfriend coming out tonight?

Joe: She's NOT my girlfriend.

Joe's friend: What do you MEAN she's not your girlfriend?  Any girl who sits on your couch and watches you play Skyrim is your girlfriend.

Point taken Joe's Friend....Point taken.

So basically, my whole POINT of this post is:  girls......just LET IT HAPPEN.  PLAY A LITTLE. OR, Read my Blog...because then you will at least know a little bit of what your boyfriend is talking about when he's like "That Haunted House in Markarth is BOGUS."  That and I'm really funny.

Skyrim's Adventures In Wonderland

NO WONDER I LOVE THIS GAME.  While there are no shortage of references and allusions in popular culture to Lewis Caroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, the ones that DO reference it and do it WELL, get five hooka-smoking-caterpillars out of five in my books.

Skyrim does hommage to this by way of a "madman" wandering around in Solitude by the Blue Palace.  He tells me his boss is on vacation....that's lasted fo-eva.  It's times like these where I wish I could put my own REAL LIFE reactions to these situations because I would have been like "HAVE A DRINK BUDDY, LET'S GET SOME MEAD" to celebrate.  But unfortunately Astaldofânwen was made to be inquisitive and is like "Well I'll help you get that guy back so that you can feel some sense of purpose in life rather than aimlessly roaming around the Blue Palace and SCARING THE LOCALS."

In order to find this guy I had to gain access to the Pelagius Wing of the Blue Palace which is said to be haunted and no one goes in there and it's this big deal.  I don't know why, but apparently it is.  I don't know much about Pelagius, other than he was the Jarl of Solitude at one point and went a little bonkers - MY KINDA GUY.  I wonder if he'll check out my amulet of mara?

I get the key into the Pelagius Wing from a pretty lady sitting down who cleans the place and I HEAD ON IN.  there are COBWEBS and it is QUIET and there are books all over and chairs thrown all over the place and I'm thinking - why isn't this area being USED FOR SOMETHING....like a PARTY?!?!?!?  It would be great on Halloween.

I'm also being sneaky because this place sort of freaks me out and who knows what kind of thing will come out at me.  So I start walking down this hall and all of a sudden I AM IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PLACE.  OUTSIDE.  Where some people are having a MAD TEA PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MY FAVORITE KIND!!!!!  Another moment where I wish I could say my own things like "WHO'S UNBIRTHDAY ARE WE CELEBRATING?!?!?!" came so I just said it out loud anyway.

Pelagius the Mad was a dead ringer for the Mad Hatter (except for he didn't have a hat, but he is MAD, so that counts right?) and the guy in the pretty cloak could have been the Marge Hare.  Why not.  At this point I sort of felt like the tiny mouse (twinkle twinkle little bat?!).  ALSO my clothes are different, I have no weapons, my items list can't be accessed and I feel NAKED.  But in reality I'm wearing this SILLY HAT:
 <<SIDEBAR: HOLY FUCK YOU GUYS....I just spent like 20 minutes internet searching for the outfit they put on me when I entered into this wonderland and HOW HAS NO ONE TALKED ABOUT THE OUTFIT BEFORE!?!?!?!  I can't believe I didn't take a picture of HOW SILLY I LOOKED because I can't find a picture on the internet ANYWHERE......DAMMIT.>>

The Marge Hare sort of tells me that we are in Pelagius' mind and that he's got some shit to deal with (GREAT, the guy's got issues, TAKE A NUMBER BUDDY, I'M THE DRAGONBORN). So I follow one of the stonehenge-like pillar-y type things and Pelagius is sleeping on a bed so I hit him with this Wabbajack thing The Hare gave me and then a wolf shows up so I hit him and he turns into A GOAT and then I hit sleeping beauty again and creepy things keep showing up every time I hit him and then I hit the things that come up and they turn into his mom....and other things.....(kid issues, mom issues, this guy has got 'em that's for sure. They seem like the bad things turn into good things.....so I'm not sure why the wolf would turn into a goat....did he have a good time with a goat? Was Pelagius both mad AND a fan of bestiality? Also wtf does this weird staff do anyway?  It's weird).

Then I walk into another entrance to something and the Titans are fighting and some dude is watching and I think I have to kill the Titans but really I'm supposed to kill the dudes watching who turn into wolves (is there a clinical term for people who are scared of wolves?  because THIS DUDE HAS GOT IT.....I don't need to be a doctor to diagnose that).
THEN, probably the coolest of the three entrance ways I'm supposed to beat is Pelagius' ANGER and CONFIDENCE who are duking it out, hitting each other and making each other little and big and sort of like each time they punch each other means they've eaten the wrong side of the mushroom.  WHY WASN"T THE CATERPILLAR MORE CLEAR AS TO WHAT SIDE DOES WHAT????

Well you know what they say, a little goes a long way.  This is what the fight looked like for all of them:


So kind of cool anyway.  I got Pelagius' hip bone.......cool.....I guess...whatever I need that for.  Good thing that's all sorted out.  NOW GIVE ME MY THALMOR ARMOR BACK BITCHES.

Skyrim: of Daal and Dragons

YOU GUYS.  SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.  I am ultra behind on the blogging bit and super ahead in the playing bit.  Because things are happening around the house (that thing where I said I would be blogging a whole lot unless I miraculously got a JOB sort of happened but only briefly...for like two weeks...but then I became the MASTER of odd job findings, so now I am employed for yet ANOTHER TWO WEEKS! It's a Christmas Miracle!) I have been playing and not blogging which is maybe not good for business because I FORGET what I've done.

You might think "how can you forget what you've done" but when you're accumulating like a hundred mini quests per hour of play and only completing maybe two mini quests and half a main quest per hour well...YOU DO THE MATH BECAUSE I AM A FRENCH TEACHER WHO IS REALLY GOOD AT FAKING ABOUT KNOWING A LOT OF MATH (read as: lazy).


BUT, to the DAAL!  I have been HUNGRY for all things delicious and decided that I would make something DELICIOUS to give me energy to SLAY DRAGONS (hence the DAAL and DRAGONS bit).

LOOK AT THIS:

RIGHT?!?!  SO delicious.  The Daal is from THIS DELICIOUS PLACE but is also known as my boyfriend's parent's pantry. (BEST DEAL EVAR RIGHT?!?!) and that bread is HOME MADE.  And the drink is CHAI with FOAMED skim milk (which is my favorite kind).  Basically you're all jealous, it's fine, I get it.

A SLIGHT update, but I have gone to RIFTEN.  I've been waiting AGES to go to RIFTEN because it is said to have a guy who can appraise the unusual gems that I have.  But WHY!?!?!?! did I go there you may ask.  After returning to Delphine from the Thalmor Embassy to collect things to see about the goings on behind the dragons, I told her about this conversation that I overheard whilst in the embassy about them trying to locate this guy...Endersby?  No that's not right....Andurs?  No that's the guy in the Hall of the Dead in Whiterun.....ummmm......ANYWAY he is IMPORTANT because he's the leader of the Blades (you know that secret organization that Delphine is a part of) and he was thought to be dead! But he is NOT.  So now I'm supposed to go find him.  Go Riften!

I'm basically the bearer of the best news ever.....in my opinion.  But I'm biased.

Skyrim's Elusive Redguard Woman

As I was walking out of Whiterun one day, minding my own business, I came upon two men standing at the gates.  They said to me "HEY YOU HAVE YOU SEEN A REDGUARD LADY!?!?!?" and I was all "uhhh.....I've seen a few redguard people in Whiterun......sooooo how exactly am I supposed to be certain that I've seen who you're looking for?" and then they sort of walked away being like "well if you see her" without really answering my question.  Nice People.

Apparently it took me forever to find this woman even though I kind of like Whiterun and I hang out there on the regular and I like to drink there, and sleep especially to pass the time because I have a free bed there in Jorvaskr since I'm a Companion and all.  BUT I FOUND THE REDGUARD LADY, and she is HOT.  She told me this sob story about how this pretty bad guy Kematu was after her and that I should probably go and kill him because he is BAD.  And I'm a sucker for women in distress in this game because I ALWAYS WANT TO HELP THEM, even though this chick might actually be a fugitive I don't care.

She's hot, right?

ALSO, I'm wearing the Amulet of Mara, which, by the way, tells the ladies that I'm available.....TO DATE....and marry, and the such so really I'm just scoping out my prospects of potential lovers.  I can see the allure to women of the thing, it's quite pretty, and I would know, since I'm a woman, but do guys really have to wear this bulky thing? 

So I go to some cave, which there seems to be a lot of in Skyrim, and I find Kematu and all of his peeps - there are A LOT OF PEEPS.  But something TRAGIC happened amidst my hammering those peeps away.

For an hour my playstation was stuck about to bludgeon an Alik'r warrior to death with my Dwarven Warhammer in hopes that it would somehow UNFREEZE because I was completely unsure as to whether it SAVED or not and then I'd have to redo a whole bunch of things like KILL A DRAGON and fight a bunch of dudes and my level would decrease and I would be the SADDEST.

Alas, no unfreezing occured so a restart of my PS3 was necessary BUT LUCKILY I only had to redo the part where I entered into the cave so that was fortunate (PHEWF).

Then I proceeded to kill a bunch of bitches and Saadia thanked me but it wasn't necessarily a "happy ending" if you know what I mean.  Apparently my charm, whit, and heroism didn't appeal to her, regardless of my badass necklace. *sigh*  I guess there are plenty of fish in the sea....or so they say.

Pirates of the Carribean: But really a Skyrim Quest

So remember that time that I said I had TOO MANY QUESTS?!?!?!?!  That wasn't even the beginning.  I got some good advice from a friend today and he said: screw the main quest, do all the little ones!  To which I replied "FUCK YEAH".

When I beat that Dwarven Centurion I found this little jewel thing called the "Beacon of somenameicantremember"and this CREEPY otherworldly voice bellowed out some mumbojumbo about bringing this special beacon to Mount Kilkreath and it was kind of scary?!?!  It went something like " YOUUUUUUUUUU YOUUUU THERE WITH THAT BEACON YOU'VE FOUND IT AND YOU MUST BRING IT TO ME, TO MEEEEEEEEE.  IT HAS BEEN STOLEN AND YOU MUST RETURN IT BECAUSE I AM A BADASS MOTHERFUCKER WHO CAN SPEAK TO YOU WITHOUT BEING SEEEEEEEEN" or something to that effect.

Cool, I guess.  But not as cool as killing some reptilian pirates!!!!!!!

Basically while I was in Solitude this scaley dude asked me if I wanted to make some cash.  You might not know this (I mean, how would you, because I haven't told you yet but here I'll tell you now) but I'm trying to buy a house in Solitude for which I need money.....so a random job off the side of the street? NO PROBLEMO BRO.

It's a pretty skeezy job but - let's be honest here - I'm not a very honest person in this game (as my friend puts it....I'm a kleptomaniac and a big jerk because I interrupt people all the time).  So here I am on the quest to put out the fire in the lighthouse so that this boat can run afoul after losing its way and WE swoop in and help them for which we will be rewarded kindly for! RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!


WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I come up to seeing THIS debauchery:

 

Which just happens to be the Reptile's bandits who KILLED everyone on the ship and took all the loot for themselves and DID NOT SAVE ANYONE.  Brutal - right?  So I am a little sad about it but I talk to one of them and they're like oh yeah, go talk to the Reptile's sister, Deeja, and she'll pay you for your hard work.  I get down there and she's like "OH YES YOU WILL BE REWARDED............WITH AN ARROW TO THE KNEE!" Just kidding, it was more like a dagger to my ribcage so I was forced to KILL HER and all the other bandits and then find that ASSHOLE Reptile who swindled me!

So we get to go to this GROTTO which was, in all honesty, a pretty rad hideout for a bad guy.  I would probably hide out in there too.  It looked basically like an old boat hidden in a cave-made-into-a-home.  SO, I stole all the bear pelts and took a bunch of potatoes and KILLED THE REPTILE.  

I don't understand why people in this game keep thinking I'm feeble, as if I'm not going to come back and KICK THEIR ASSES.

Serves them right.  NOW OFF TO GREENER PASTURES.

THE CENTURION OF CENTURIONS (I hope)

No this is not a post about taking a 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes.

DO YOU REMEMBER when waaaaaaaaay back at the beginning of me playing this game and I was at a level 3 and hanging out in Whiterun and decided to join The Companions?  But they asked me to clear out a cave of Falmers close to Whiterun and I was like CHYEAH!  YOU KNOW IT!  which is when I realized I was good at being stealthy but then realized it was only because the Falmers can't actually see anything so really I wasn't good at being stealthy at the time, only quiet?  OH, and FALMERS were scary as hell (like literally...if I had ever seen hell...which I haven't....*knocks on wood*).

After gaining some experience and returning to Whiterun I decided hey - I'm close enough.  Why not go to Shimmermist Cave and KILL THOSE GUYS.  You might also remember the Chaurus...and how FREAKY those things are...and how I couldn't kill them.

WELL I'M A LEVEL 13 WOOD ELF BITCHES and I'm pretty much ready to kick their asses.  I will NOT run out scared THIS TIME my scarab-ey little friends.

It's actually kind of fun to go back to something like that and see the improvement you've made not only as someone playing the game (like aiming the little pointer thing where the person/thing might actually die) but as my sweet little wood elf has grown into a woman wood elf who is now ACTUALLY stealthy and can kill things quickly and got through to the Chaurus in like a quarter of the time it took her initially because she is GOOD.  SUP?!!

So I get to the very end where I see this Falmer guy with a hat and I'm like SWEET this is going to be EASY so I stealthily hit him and hide behind a pillar and he comes looking so I hit him again while I'm still sort of hit him and easily kill him and then I hear all of these cling clanging noises and OMG THIS THING COMES AT ME AND I DIE INSTANTANEOUSLY.   RIGHT AWAY.  NO TIME TO GASP.

CAN YOU SEE IT?!?!?!  It's a huge mechanical DWARVEN CENTURION.  like what the hell is that even?  Don't ask me because I didn't even have time to BREATHE you guys (and gals).  Thank goodness these bitches don't regenerate life because you know how I beat them?  By RUNNING AWAY like I said I wouldn't but seriously - how else am I supposed to beat this mechanical wonder?  As if I'm going to use all my potions.  So I would hit him, run back until he couldn't tell I was still there, then slowly creep back and hit him again, until he was DEAD.  So technically, I was using my stealthiness at its PRIME.

You can call me a coward all you want, but when a METALLIC GIANT is after your elven ass, and you confront it, and it kills you before you can let out a "OH SHIT"......you will do the same, I promise you that.

Shimmermist Cave, consider yourself officially CLEARED.

Astaldofânwen goes to a Party

You guys, my character is POPULAR.  She is an elf and gets invited to ALL THE PARTIES.  It doesn't matter that really I wasn't invited per se and that I may have gotten an invitation by way of infiltration and that I had to sneak what gear I wanted to sneak into the THALMOR EMBASSY (also, in my attempts to be pretty neutral thus far on the civil war front....these bitches are crazy), I WENT TO SAID PARTY.

The THALMOR.....let me tell you, are ELVES, like me, except for some reason I'm some sort of outlaw (whatever, I'll call them.....racist or something.....agaist their own race...jerks).  But these guys don't want people to worship TALOS, whoever that god....sorry, GUY is (I actually sort of know who he is, but apparently he was a really high up DUDE who did some things and then people started worshipping him like a god and that shit is FORBIDDEN now....and people get arrested.  There's this weird man in Whiterun who keeps babbling out prophesies and the such who knows more about it than I do).

ANYWAY, they are hosting a party at the embassy and I am meant to gather information on whether or not the Thalmor are behind the letting loose of the dragons.  To do this I have to somehow sneak away from the party and INFILTRATE SANTA'S OPERATION....I mean...wait....this is not a Community episode, although, side note...BRING THAT SHIT BACK ALREADY.

How do I cause a distraction you ask?  There is a REALLY drunk guy sitting on a bench who has been cut off ALREADY when I get there, so I kindly buy him another drink and then tell him to cause a distraction!  SEE HOW BUMPIN THIS PARTY IS?  For real.

He is SO GOOD AT DISTRACTING because me and the bartender hide away in some closet (I know...I'm thinking seven minutes in heaven (check that shit out) and he's all "grab your shit and go!  hurry up!").

So I hurry and get some dossiers and my friend dies because I am slow at saving him/saving my own ass.  Awesome.  And what was it all for?  Who knows, the Thalmor aren't behind the dragons and they're just as confused as I am.  GREAT.

SURPRISE! in Riverwood!

SHIT IS GETTING INTERESTING.

The greybeard knowitalls from High Hrothgar asked me, as a final test of my abilities as a DRAGONBORN (also, let's just take a step back and be reminded about how AWESOME being a dragonborn is.....because it's pretty rad), to go retrieve some HORN of plenty (not really but a HORN néamoins (which is french for nevertheless)), and bring it back to them all safe and cozy.

Which really means that I  wasn't into it at first and then was STOKED.  Off to Ustengrav I travelled far and wide so that I could complete my mission as a SHOUTER....erm..I mean....DRAGONBORN.

This horn was being held in a cave-like thing so you could imagine what I was up against.  Draugrs, Sorcerers, you know, whatever else lives in a cave (FROSTBITE SPIDERS!?!?!?!?).  My stealth has gotten so good that I can walk up to a Draugr while it's still sleeping in its little coffin bit and stealthily ASSASSINATE THE SHIT OUT OF IT without it even waking up.  I AM A STEALTHY MOTHER!

So whatever I'm awesome and I defeat all of these things that I have to defeat and I'm getting pretty good at it now and I feel like this is a sort of easy task thank goodness and I get to where Boy Blue left his horn and there is a NOTE that says: "Dragonborn, your secret is safe with me.  I jacked your stuff so come to Riverwood and sleep at the inn but ask for the attic room because it's WAY more comfortable. Love, A FRIEND"

WHO IS THIS FRIEND?!?!?!?!?  So I bolt out of Ustengrav and fastrackalack to Riverwood, ask the lovely Inn Keeper, Delphine, to show me to the attic room, where she says oh...why yes...of course, we don't have an attic, but this room will have to do.  So I am TIRED from all of my travelling and Draugr sneaking and basically everything I've been doing (Being a DRAGONBORN is HARD WORK guys). I set the little gauge for a 3 hour power nap only to be woken up by DELPHINE who leads me into her WARDROBE (I didn't think she knew THAT secret....) and takes me to a secret hidden room.

She tells me she's a part of some group called The Blades who are important for some reason or another and they are bound to protect the dragonborns and know a whole bunch about them and that I had already met her once.  WHAT?!?!? SECRETIVE?!!?!?!

Remember that lady I talked about in THIS POST OF YORE who was talking to the MAGICIAN in Whiterun just after I got called into High Hrothgar?  THAT WAS DELPHINE!!  I returned the Dragonstone I had been asked to retrieve and it was really for HER so that she could pinpoint where the next dragon was going to be.  AND SHE FOUND THE NEXT ONE.  I wish I could just capture my own game play because in this video I'm about to post I totally killed this silly dragon faster than this guy but LOOK AT WHAT IS HAPPENING:

To tell you what is happening, Delphine and I went in search of a dragon and we found that Alduin, the Dragon that attacked before I was about to be beheaded, is RESURRECTING (like from the dead....or whatever) OTHER DRAGONS and is speaking in dragon-speak and is being all high and mighty.  Sort of scary, REALLY cool.

So now I'm off to defeat some Thalmor and see if they're behind this business.

Why I Like This Crap

I thought it was time to post some reasons for thinking this game is pretty radical (other than the obvious stuff like DRAGONS and QUESTS and SECRETS and MAGIKS).  I'm also feeling a little "listical" which is sort of like whimsical but with lists? (I made that up just now on the spot).

1. THERE IS A STORY! but what is tubular about there being a story is that I don't always have to follow that story.  If I want to become part of the Thieves Guild in Riften then I'm all over it because really that does nothing but increase my pickpocketing/stealth meters and I am SUPER into that.
2. THAT STORY IS ACTUALLY COOL! in other words, when I do go back to the story line, I'm excited!  Because I have done all these extra things like kill the CENTURION bodyguard in Shimmermist Cave and made a boat run afoul and stolen its goods and found unusual gems.  So when I return to the main quest line I'm like "FUCK THAT'S RIGHT I'M DRAGONBORN, bitches" which in turn reminds me about ALDUIN the evil dragon who is out to get URRBODY.
3. I CAN BUY A HOUSE!  I can see why nerdy people (like me) are super into this kind of game where you build this person who is pretty awesome at something (like maybe they became a BARD at the college, or got super good at MAGICS, or ENCHANTING or became a THIEF or a STORMCLOAK, or a MERCERNARY, or a COMPANION) and then you can make that person form good or maybe bad relationships with other people in the game and it is like you are having a SECOND LIFE.  The only thing different about this and something like let's say, WoW, is that those other people I'm interacting with aren't FOR REAL, they are imaginary and they can stay that way.
4. THE GRAPHICS!  I'm not the kind of person who's like "oh, wow, did you see that pixel? How gross, it was HUGE" or the fact that you could even see a pixel might turn some people away, but it's not me.  So my consensus on how pretty stellar the shit looks on screen is that it is RADICAL.  Especially when I go in with a killer blow using my Orcish Battleaxe and it cuts to what it actually looks like as I beat the crap out of some Falmer.  I'm SUPER into that.
5. DIFFICULTY! So I have it on Novice......because let's be real here, I'm new at this.  That boy I date can swoop in and kill everyone in like 5 seconds whereas I'm like hmm...yeah....so.....thanks for having my back in there (literally) which is why we can't play video games together because he doesn't WAIT for me but in this game he doesn't have to, because I am playing all by myself and it's hard for ME in some parts and in others it's not really but I think that's the point and I can SEE my progress on a progesso meter and it tells me I'm doing REALLY WELL....in most parts.

Ok, so for now, that's all I've got.  I've done likeamillionmorequests so I will have to write about them but for some reason I have some sort of a life this week so I can at least catch up a little. HURRAY!

ps - comment on this shit sometimes ok?!?! so I know people are actually reading it?

Astaldofânwen gets called to High Hrothgar

I really hope I'm not spoiling any of this game for anyone (other than maybe that boy I date who is traveling in India who will eventually play this when he gets back and will also, I'm sure, make completely different decisions about who his character is, thus will play a very different game), but this game is getting EXCITING and I just want to TALK/WRITE about it!

These dudes are THIEVES (and merchants...and could have
been me if I so chose to be a kitty cat)

After speaking with the Jarl about WhateverItWas and bringing the dragonstone back to the magician who was speaking with some friend when I got back in, one of the Warriors came to tell us that there was a DRAGON sighting close to Whiterun and that we need to go KILL IT like right meow (<-- that would be a funnier joke if I was a Khajiit because Khajiit's look like this ^)




Of course I'm like "A DRAGON!?!?!???  I will slay it from the sky and make the earth tremble as it falls stealthily bring it to it's doom with an iron arrow" in an Elven accent that you can totally hear in the game (......not).

I get to the tower and the dragon is HUGE and people are shooting at it and I am hiding behind rocks and shooting it out of the sky like I promised and then it falls LIKE I SAID IT WOULD and dies and then all of a sudden it starts BURNING UP and then THIS HAPPENS!!!!!

 I am literally ABSORBING A DRAGON SOUL, and it is BRIGHT AND SHINY

and I am standing around being like WHAT THE?!?! and people are looking at me with these eyes like what is happening to you?!?! and then all the glowing stops and the chick is like "I never thought I'd see one of you in my lifetime, you must be........A DRAGONBORN"  and then I'm all like:

FOR REAL (also that is very fitting because I am also reading the "A Song of Ice and Fire" Series of Game of Thrones fame).  Of course I have no idea what ANY of this means and I'm meant to go back to the Jarl to tell him what happened and as I'm about to go into his fortress there is this loud THUNDERING and EVERYONE is looking up and I have no idea what's happening until they tell me these dudes with Grey Beards are calling me to their little place on a hilltop somewhere.

I'm supposed to visit these guys to get some ANSWERS because I absorbed some freaky dragon shit and let's be honest here: that could be really awesome, or I could be infected with some scaly poison that will eventually turn ME into a dragon which would be THE AWESOMEST (fingers crossed).

I had to climb 7000 steps to reach these old guys and I asked someone if there was anything I should watch out for while I'm on my way up because it's sort of treacherous and he was nice and said oh no, you shouldn't have to worry at all mostly ice wolves and that's about all.  So I was like awesome, relatively easy climb then, right?

Abominable Snowman

THAT should have been my first clue to BE PREPARED on my climb but I'm suuuuuuper trusting so I COMMENCE and there are wolves and I take their pelts because it comes in handy and I turn a corner and there is AN ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN that looked like this guy<----- 

Picture courtesy of
my friend Mike VanKuipers

Except he really looked more like this guy over here ---->

he also didn't look as happy.  But I killed him with the flames I found in my hands and then hit him with my battleaxe and he died.  PHEW!

So then the Greybeards told me I was the first Dragonborn in (insert some long period of time here) and that I will learn the intricacies of THE SHOUT.  Apparently people need lifelong training to master that stuff but I think these dudes forget that I'm a GIRL and I'm pretty adept at shouting.  But also this Dragonborn thing means I absorb some power from dragons when I kill then and that helps my ability to shout too...I guess.

Awesome.  So now I'm special. DRAGONS BEWARE OF MY STEALTHY BOW.

Something FUNNY

Sometimes that is TRULY how I feel.  You need the armor because let's face it, as if you're above protecting your face, but then you can't see any of the war markings or dirt on your face or ANYTHING and it is sad because you want people to see those things (because that matters).  Also....I did spend a million years making my character.  URGH.

also i found this meme and thought it was really funny:

ALSO, I almost peed myself when I saw this meme........because it is hilarious.

and last but not least of the funny:

Companionship and Chaurus

Jorrvaskr, house of the Companions

As history has told me (and, I realize, because I am the kind of player that wants to talk to EVERY SINGLE PERSON which is also why I have a million quests (but also because that's the way the game is made (and also I'm using SO MANY PARENTHESES))), Whiterun was built around Jorrvaskar, the big house of the Companions.

Basically everyone who talks about this group in the game speaks highly of their ability to fight, and most of all, they work as a group WITHOUT A LEADER (how they do that effectively I'm not quite sure but it's a neat idea).  Why not join them right?  yeah, I thought so too.  They seem pretty neutral in this whole "civil war" stuff that's going on right now.  But life's questions will catch up with me soon (like do I make BEEF STEW or VENISON????).

Now in order to really become a companion I have to clear Shimmermist Cave of its leader which was one of the first "real" side quests I had to do and please note that I was half way into being at level 3 and I was like I AM BAD ASS, LEVEL 3 BITCHES!  and I was WRONG my friends....so so so wrong.  First you get into the cave and there are glowing mushrooms and weird eggs for these things called Chaurus and you're like weird I don't see any I guess they haven't hatched yet.  The cave is a little daunting - right?

So you keep walking and then all of a sudden there are these CREEPY THINGS called Falmers.  Do you remember that movie The Descent where those people go into this unexplored cave and find out there are these weird creatures that will eat EVERYONE and that can see in the dark?  Like this:

Well Falmers basically look like THAT but with armor and bows and arrows and shields that they will ATTACK YOU WITH.  But it's fine because I get past them fine, it's no big deal, it takes a couple swings of my BattleAxe but they die, it's all good.

BUT THEN I fall into this CHAURUS pit and those things are like big cockroaches mixed with scorpions that spit out this black stuff that does SOMETHING to you and they are tough because their shell is like armor and I KEPT DYING because I had no idea how to kill them effectively and so you know what I did?

I RAN BACK OUT THE WAY I CAME.  You heard me.  I'm a scaredy cat (errr...elf).  So then I did what any good person would do, I looked online to see what I was doing wrong and the internet advised me that I probably should go in there when I'm a higher level and that would probably be better because that shit is hard.

I'll be back, Falmers, I'll be back.  Those Chaurus won't know what hit them.

LOOK AT THIS THING! IT"S A FUCKING CHAURUS